Monday, October 31, 2011

Once more unto the breach dear friends...

It's been a long time since I have posted. Life is as it has been, crazy.

School is going well class wise. I am pulling up the averages for Methods and Statistics, which has been a lot of work. Where things are not going well is in getting into the program I wanted. That has not gone well.

I think I agree with Cindy's idea that if I take classes in the Spring and reapply that I can increase my odds, because I will have the pre-req classes already done and I wont have to stress about that. Also if I have to retake the GRE that can give me time to prepare and go for it. The trick lies in getting the VA to go with the plan, which would involve me actually taking classes in the subject while seeing if I can get into the program. I would also apply for other programs in the area, as that might turn out to be what works. So it goes.

Health wise, I am healthier right now, and in a bit better shape. I need to get into better shape and I am working on it. The swimming all the time hasn't worked out as I got thrown off when I was really sick for two weeks and I have been to frazzled to go back, what with the Interview for the program and the fact that I had to put Kerridwen to sleep. So October has been a fairly crappy month for me overall.

Weight wise... not good. I am trying to take a new approach, of ignoring the weight and focusing on exercise and trying to eat better. The eating better is the tough part because I need to figure out what works for weight loss and the fact that I like to eat tasty food. So that struggle continues.

Faith wise I feel conflicted. I am unsure where to turn or go as I feel this big hollow inside and I have been feeling it for a while. It is like I have lost my faith and belief in most things but not exactly. I am trying to figure this out as it really is impacting things with me as I feel like something is missing and I am disconnected from the world. Not a good place to be.

The Tegan story is near the end and it is making me a bit crazy as this part Underhill is really tough to write. I need to finish the bit with the Queen, write the confrontation, riddle contest and then the reunion. I also like the idea of introducing the bad guys at the end when the Seer warns Erish that the person she saw in her vision has arrived. That can hopefully drive things forward. I want to finish the write and the edit over November, as a odd sort of Nano. Works for me.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Update

So, I started classes at 256 and tomorrow I will weigh myself. I have been a hell of a lot more active this week, walking to and from the car as well as doing Chi Gong and Tai Chi 2x a week. That will be good for me. The other plan I had, of swimming on MWF didn't happen because of the neck surgery I had. That threw a wrench into the works. This coming week I am hoping to up my exercise and reduce my eating.

I know that for the last week I have been eating more because of surgery and it was helping with recuperation. However I can already tell that my hunger has down shifted back to normal, for which I am pleased. Now if I can get exercise and eating back on track I am hoping to lose about 8-10 lbs a month this semester. That would be great and I would really love that. Dropping 32-40 pounds will have a huge effect on my health. I want to succeed at that. like a whole hell of a lot.

My shoulder doesn't hurt as much anymore, thanks to the RF treatments. This enables me to exercise more and hopefully get more done. I am a big fan of this. Here is hoping I get healthier and healthier.

Cindy said that she was going to exercise as well and I have hopes for the both of us, so that we can be healthy and around for along time.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Return of the Jihad

Okay... it has been a while hasn't it. Heh...

So... I am at 255 weight wise, which sucks but in a way I am not surprised. There have been no real lifestyle changes pretty much ever. I got down to 245 and then stumbled back up. so, this sucks.

I am unsure what to do. I almost feel like I am trapped by a sense of learned helplessness and despair, that I am stuck with thought and life patterns from pre-transition as well as fallout from being sick for about two years. I became massively sedentary and now I am living out one of those basic laws of physics: Laws at Rest tend to stay at rest.

So I am at rest, and even though I KNOW that I need to exercise and do stuff but I find myself stymied at every turn. That is problematic, massively so. I am able to write but even then I have a varying desire to do so. Part of that is tied to the new twitchiness in my left shoulder. That really killed more of my drive as it felt like things were failing in my life more and more.

I am attempting to fix this but again I am fighting against being massively at rest.

Here's hoping it works.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Seder thoughts

A little over 4 months and I have lost 21 pounds. That is awesome. Tonight was Seder and I certainly did not eat as much or in the same ratio as I had before. It was great but a few things came to me out of that.

1. I never told my spell I used to help magnify the effect of hormones to shut up. This is a tremendous duh moment brought about because my bras don't really fit anymore. I am back in 44s but I am no longer a C cup. I am not a fan of wearing bras that are too snug. So that needs to be fixed. I am losing weight but my breasts seem to be getting bigger. A little strange if you ask me.

2. The shields I constructed to kind of insulate me from the works because so much of it was jagged and hurt were made before transition and thus all the changes I have made have not been incorporated into them. So I need to take them completely down and rebuild them, geared more to the way my life is now. My energy has changed and my shields should not be trapping me in as much as keeping me safe.

3. There needs to be a bit of prayer going on, as I need to talk to several deities and see if I can make some sense of some things. Life is crazy and I need to find some better places to stand faith wise. So, more fun prayer and meditation in my future.

4. I need to see if I can use meditation more effectively in dealing with my PTSD. It is something that overwhelms me over and over again and I am tired of it. I just want to work through things and get past it all. It just keeps popping up all the damn time and that bugs the hell out of me.

5. I need a better handle on my muse. She fades in and out but I can see how my lack of doing anything, like exercise or martial arts is bugging her. I need to be in motion so I can hear her better. So I may have to exercise more to write more.

So, that's where I am at the moment. There is probably more, but this takes care of things at the moment. Here's hoping I find some solutions.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Been a while

Wow... it has been a while since I last posted. In that time I have been sick, fluctuated weight wise and basically had a lot of grief from the PTSD. The only good news is that I am down to 246.6 right now. Getting there has mostly been due to being sick and having no appetite. I am just hoping to keep this trend going.

Of course part of the plan is to eat better, more vegetables and having good food made of real food. That is nice and is helping my health, as apart from being sick I do feel better overall. I am okay with that.

Here's hoping that this trend continues.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Must be a Thursday...

Still not sleeping well and having headaches. I am so tired of this already. A few times this has caused me to eat more than I needed to and that bugs me. I have been losing but it hasn't been going great. So it goes.

Anyway...

Wednesday 2 February 2011
Week 3
Start Weight: 255.2
Weigh in: 254.8 Total Loss: Wk .4
Points allowed: 38 Mo 0
Extra Points: 41 Overall 13.6
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 2 eggs 4 points
1 piece toast 1 points
1 c Irish Breakfast Tea 0 points
1 tsp Honey 1 point

Total 6 points
Points Left: 32

Lunch: Sandwich 4 points
Coffee 0 points
Sugar in the Raw (2 tsp) 0 points

Total 4 points
Points Left: 28

Dinner: Burger 10 points
Oven Fries 6 Points
Ice Cream 3 points

Total 19 points
Points Left: 9

Snack: Pear 0 points
Peanut Butter Sand 3 points
1 c Milk 4 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 2


Exercise: Housework (10 min/ light) 1 points

Total + 1 points

Daily Total: 2
Extra Points Carry over: 41
Exercise Points Carry over: 1

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

New day old challenges

Things are still moving slowly. Biggest problem we seem to have is an overabundance of things to do clogging the schedule and making it difficult to get motivated if anything gets out of whack. Of course I felt terrible yesterday and did not go to the Y. Between feeling exhausted and wrung out as well as have a headache that would not go away, I had no desire to go do anything.

We did get cleaning done, thanks to our friend Sarah coming over. It is weird walking around seeing clear floors in large areas of the house. Makes the whole place feel bigger. I am okay with that. Besides we do want to make sure that this place is clean and ready for Chinese New Year which is Thursday and we are celebrating on Saturday. The place should be nice and clean for that. Still have seating issues, but that is another matter.

The energy of the house feels better, between Cindy cleaning out the craft room and the rest of the house getting dealt with. The only problem room right now is Katie's, where the craft room stuff is getting put. But once the craft room is reorganized most of that stuff will go back into the craft room, so it is truly temporary. At this point I think we want to avoid any energy stagnation.

Still no job. Still looking.

So it goes.

Tuesday 1 February 2011
Week 3
Start Weight: 255.2
Weigh in: Total Loss: Wk .8
Points allowed: 38 Mo 0
Extra Points: 49 Overall 13.6
Exercise Points: 2

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 1 c Multigrain Cheerios 3 points
½ c Milk 1 points
1 c Irish Breakfast Tea 0 points
1 tsp Honey 1 point

Total 5 points
Points Left: 33

Lunch: 2 Chili Cheese dogs 12 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 21

Dinner: Balsamic Salmon 9 points
Quinoa 3 Points
Roasted Asparagus 1 points
Roasted Carrots 1 points
Pears w/ Choc 2 points

Total 16 points
Points Left: 5

Snack: 1/2 c Choc Milk 2 points
94% Fate Free Popcorn 3 points
Kraut Dog 3 points
Peanut Butter Sandwich 5 points
1c Milk 3 points

Total 16 points
Points Left: -11


Exercise: Housework (15 min/ light) 1 points

Total + 1 points

Daily Total: -11
Extra Points Carry over: 41
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Chart

Monday 31 Jan 2011
Week 3
Start Weight: 255.2
Weigh in: Total Loss: Wk .8
Points allowed: 38 Mo 0
Extra Points: 49 Overall 13.6
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 1 piece toast 1 points
1 peanut butter 3 points
1c Milk 3 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 31

Lunch: Sandwich (Turkey, cheese, sauerkraut) 7 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 24

Dinner: Orange Chicken 11 points
Rice 4 Points
Stir Fried Vegetables 1 points

Total 16 points
Points Left: 8

Snack: ½ c Choc Milk 2 points
Ice Cream 3 points
Hot Dog w/ Sauerkraut 3 points

Total 8 points
Points Left: 0


Exercise: Housework (15 min/ Mod) 2 points

Total + 2 points

Daily Total: 0
Extra Points Carry over: 49
Exercise Points Carry over: 2

Monday, January 31, 2011

Whew...

So, I actually lost weight this week when I was almost sure I had gained. That is a nice relief. Granted that .8 pounds isn't much, but it is something.

Here's the chart.

Sunday 30 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.2 Total Loss: Wk +.2
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 21 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 2 eggs 4 point
1 piece toast 1 points
1 tsp margarine 0 points
¼ cantaloupe 0 points
Pineapple 0 points
Tea 0 points
1 tsp honey 1 point

Total 6 points
Points Left: 32

Lunch: Tomato Bisque 3 points
Cheese on Toast 4 points
Coke 3 points
1c Choc Milk 4 points

Total 14 points
Points Left: 18

Dinner: 2.5 Chili Cheese Dogs 16 points

Total 16 points
Points Left: 2

Snack: Apple 0 points
Soda 3 points

Total 3 points
Points Left: -1


Exercise: 0 points

Total + 0 points

Daily Total: -1
Extra Points Carry over: 20
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Yesterday

Got five hours of sleep and am not overly pleased by that. I am getting a bit sleepy, so I might be able to sleep more. Here's hoping.

Yesterday was good. I got to run a Hackmaster demo and it made it clear how much I miss running game. It made me happy and filled with an energy that I had been missing. I am going to plan out a game and see if I can get players interested in running around in the world I created. It will be nice.

Food wise, I am not doing so well this week. Part of that is not exercising enough and part of it is the fact that I have eaten a lot of crap this week, with a number of meals eaten out. This has not been helpful. I am hoping I at least stayed steady in terms of weight loss.

So, without further ado, yesterday's chart.

Saturday 29 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.2 Total Loss: Wk +.2
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 26 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 2 eggs 4 point
1c choc milk 4 points
¼ c cheese 2 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 31

Lunch: Chicken Fajita Pita 8 points
Sm Fries 9 points
Coke 4 points

Total 21 points
Points Left: 10

Dinner: House Salad 6 points
Teriyaki Shrimp Pasta 7 points
1 pc Garlic toast 2 points

Total 15 points
Points Left: -5

Snack: ? points

Total ? points
Points Left:


Exercise: 0 points

Total + 0 points

Daily Total: -5
Extra Points Carry over: 21
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Tired

Went to bed around 5 am and was woken up by the dog at about 9. So I am tired and this does not bode well for the players in the demo I am running today. Anyway...

Friday 28 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.2 Total Loss: Wk +.2
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 29 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 10

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 1c Multigrain Cheerios 3 point
1c milk 3 points
Tea 0 points
1 tsp honey 1 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 31

Lunch: 2 Chili Cheese Dogs 12 points

Total 19 points
Points Left: 14

Dinner: 2 Grilled Cheese 13 points
Vegetables 0 points
Butter 3 points
Choc Cake 10 points
Dip 1 points

Total 27 points
Points Left: -13

Snack: ? points

Total ? points
Points Left:


Exercise: 0 points

Total + 0 points

Daily Total: -13
Extra Points Carry over: 26
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Friday, January 28, 2011

Finally Friday

What I thought was interesting yesterday was that with the hat and goggles on I was swimming a good bit faster and harder yesterday. It was kind of strange. Th upside was that the work out was fantastic and I was really getting winded. The downside was that I was pretty wrung out by the end of the time at the Y. True did some stretching in the other pool but it really was fairly exhausting. The hot tub and steam room were nice though.

I need to remember to do other things besides swim, but the fact is that I really like swimming. Having been on swim teams when I was younger probably has something to do with the fact that I really love doing laps. It is fun, at least to my addled brain. :)

Doing weights and walking or biking will help provide variety for the muscles, letting them grow stronger. Besides, if I want to be able to do a triathlon or a marathon then I need to get back to running and walking is the start of that. I have wanted to do that ever since I saw both the New York Marathon and the Ironman. Both races were pretty intense when I first saw them and that really grabbed me. I wanted to do them before I was 40 but since I was injured I kind of put that on the backburner. I am doing better now so I am hoping to be able to do both. Hell, even a half marathon would be fun at this point.

Several things kept me from working out after I got out of the military. One was the fact that I was no longer in the Military and it was a novel thing to be able to relax and do a lot of nothing. Then there was the fact that that my shoulder hurt like hell all the time. I hadn't gotten in with pain management at that time and I was always in pain. Add in a good sized heaping mound of depression and is it any wonder I was a slug? As things started to get better I focused on school work and on rebuilding a social life. That kept me busy and not thinking about the fact that HRT was making me gain weight.

I still have shoulder pain, but between massage and pain clinic it doesn't bother me as much. Not nearly as depressed as I was and I am tired of being fat. I gained about 110 pounds thanks to lethargy, HRT, bad habits and metabolism slowdown. I am trying to fix this but it will undoubtedly take a while. Everyday I succeed at this plan is another day closer to weighing something sane.

My goal is to weigh between 155 and 160. I want to lose all that stupid weight I put on because I want to do more things and be healthy. This is going to be as rough as transition but in slightly different ways. Here's hoping it works.

And finally the chart for yesterday:

Thursday 27 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.2 Total Loss: Wk +.2
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 29 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: toast 1 point
Cheese 3 points
Tea 0 points
1 tsp honey 1 points

Total 5 points
Points Left: 33

Lunch: Mediterranean Rollini 9 points
Fruit 0 points
Salad 0 points
Hardboiled egg 2 points
¼ Cottage Cheese 3 points
Sunflower seeds (1 TBSP) 1 points
Balsamic Vinaigrette 2 points
Cindy’s salad 2 points

Total 19 points
Points Left: 14

Dinner: Steak 4 points
New Potatoes ½ cup 1 points
Roasted Veg 0 points
Olive Oil 2 points

Total 7 points
Points Left: 7

Snack: 1c Choc Milk 4 points

Total 4 points
Points Left: 3


Exercise: 30 min swimming, breaststroke 10 points

Total + 10 points

Daily Total: 3
Extra Points Carry over: 29
Exercise Points Carry over: 10

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Must be a Thursday

Well, I weighed in today for a mid week check and am up .2 pounds. Oh Noes! ;P

So far things are going well. This week has sucked for exercise but that happens. Between various other things coming up and migraines, exercise hasn't happened yet. Hopefully today we can make it to the Y for a little bit. I would like that. I usually feel better after that.

Wednesday 26 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256 Total Loss: Wk 0
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 29 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 2 eggs 6 points
2% Cheese 0 points
Green Chili Salsa 0 points
Apple Juice 3 points

Total 9 points
Points Left: 29

Lunch: Grilled Chicken Sandwich 6 points
Fries 7 points
Lemonade 4 points

Total 17 points
Points Left: 12

Dinner: Tilapia 2 points
Black beans 1 points
Cheese 1 points
Yellow Rice 5 points
Asparagus 0 points

Total 9 points
Points Left: 3

Snack: Apple 0 points
PB&J 5 points
1c Choc Milk 4 points
½ Cantaloupe 0 points

Total 9 points
Points Left: -6


Exercise: 0 points

Total + 0 points

Daily Total: -6
Extra Points Carry over: 23
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Playing slight catchup

Oops... missed a day posting. It happens. I had to run to Nashville for an appointment and then home. Did a few other things, like be bad. We went to Chuy's to eat. I got fish tacos, which is not so bad. Later at the Women in Faith meeting we ended up having lots of tasty Mediterranean food. I had lots of tabulah and some hummus, plus a few other things. I tried to eat smart but it was all so tasty. Anyway, I think we needed a break for just a day.

Last time we did Weight Watchers we had one meal a week not count. We often hit Chef Wangs for their all you could at buffet. Still ate smart but did eat lots. It did not majorly impact our weight loss as we did it on the first or second day of the cycle, so plenty of time to pay for our sins. I am hoping the same trend holds true.

In other news, I am getting my passport today. That will be good as I will then legally be female. Just another hoop to jump through but that is good. At least it will be done.

Worked on the ideas for Destination over dinner last night, talking about a few of our issues with where we have let the group get to. Hopefully we can make some changes and that will help with the spiritual side of things more. I have been feeling a bit lacking lately and I am not happy about that but we are working on the issue, so that is something.

Anyway... here are the charts.

Monday 24 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256 Total Loss: Wk 0
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 49 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: nothing 0 points

Total 0 points
Points Left: 38

Lunch: 2 Chili Cheese dogs 12 points
1c Choc Milk 4 points

Total 16 points
Points Left: 22

Dinner: Rice 4 points
Chicken 3 points
Sauce 1 points
Vegetables 0 points
Pineapple 2 points

Total 10 points
Points Left: 12

Snack: Ice Cream 3 points
Hot dog w/ sauerkraut 4 points
1c Choc Milk 4 points
3 M and M 1 point

Total 12 points
Points Left: 0


Exercise: Shopping 3 points

Total + 3 points

Daily Total: 0
Extra Points Carry over: 49
Exercise Points Carry over: 3

And Tuesday

Tuesday 25 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256 Total Loss: Wk 0
Points allowed: 38 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 49 Overall 12.8
Exercise Points: 0

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: Sandwich 6 points
Coffee (1 tsp sugar) 0 points

Total 6 points
Points Left: 32

Lunch: Chuy’s

Total points
Points Left:

Dinner: Arabic Food
Total points
Points Left:

Snack: leftovers

Total points
Points Left:


Exercise: points

Total + points

Daily Total: 0
Extra Points Carry over: 29
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Monday, January 24, 2011

New Week

Well, weight loss for the first week is 4.8 pounds. Pretty awesome. I am happy to be completely out of the 260's again. Here's hoping that we can maintain this over the long term. One week is great but it is only one week. Twelve weeks will be impressive.

Anyway... here's yesterday's chart.

Sunday 23 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256 Total Loss: Wk 4.8
Points allowed: 39 Mo 4.8
Extra Points: 37 Overall 4.8
Exercise Points: 1

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: nothing 0 points

Total 0 points
Points Left: 39

Lunch: Beef Ravioli 12 points

Total 12 points
Points Left: 27

Dinner: Cheeseburger 15 points
Fries 8 points
Soda 4 points

Total 27 points
Points Left: 0

Snack: Pear 0 points
Chili Cheese Dog 6 points
½ cantaloupe 0 points
1 doughnut hole 1 point
1 c Choc Milk 4 points

Total 11 points
Points Left: -11


Exercise: Nothing 0 points

Total + 1 points

Daily Total: -10
Extra Points Carry over: 27
Exercise Points Carry over:

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Another Day

Here is yesterday's chart. Today is not starting out well. I got up early to go do something and mad lunch for myself. It was a can of Chef Boyarde Beef Ravioli, 12 points. Since then I have been pretty sick. I am not a fan of that. I am overly cold and my stomach is really jumpy.

Yesterdays house cleaning was good. The living room and our bedroom look pretty good and have plenty of legroom in them, which is nice. Kicking things when walking is not optimal. It is definitely helping with the Feng Shui.

Moon wasn't too bad. Talked about the need to reflect and look forward, both as individuals and the group. I think there needs to be a change but I am not sure what. Too many of our rituals are cookie cutter and thus have less soul. I am not down with that. There is something I need that I am not completely getting and thus things need to change. Part of it, I think, is the fact that I haven't done a blessing way in a while. That might help. I also probably need to do more meditation.

I have some more job leads which I am going to send off. One is with the VA med center here in Murfreesboro and the other is in Nashville with the American Cancer society. Either would be nice, because I totally need a job. The no income thing has gotten old. We are surviving but that isn't the same as living.

I need to get my act together this week and send out to another agent. There are a lot out there and hopefully I will find one. Not having Transitioning Home sold makes me feel like I am in some literary limbo. That is not a good place to be. It is a good story but it needs to see the light of day. I guess persistence pays off as in everything.

Anyway... here is yesterday's chart.

Saturday 22 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.4 Total Loss: Wk 4.4
Points allowed: 39 Mo 4.4
Extra Points: 37 Overall 4.4
Exercise Points: 11

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: Chocolate Milk 4 points

Total 4 points
Points Left: 35

Lunch: Chicken 3 points
½ cup mashed potatoes 3 points

Total 6 points
Points Left: 29

Dinner: Cheeseburger 9 points
Fries 6 points

Total 15 points
Points Left: 14

Snack: PB&J 8 points
Milk 3 points

Total 11 points
Points Left: 3


Exercise: House Cleaning 1 points

Total + 1 points

Daily Total: 3
Extra Points Carry over: 39
Exercise Points Carry over: 1

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Friday's Chart

Here is the chart for Friday. We did not get to the Y because of scheduling issues and the fact that we ended up sleeping late.

Friday 21 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.4 Total Loss: Wk 4.4
Points allowed: 39 Mo 4.4
Extra Points: 37 Overall 4.4
Exercise Points: 11

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: 1 egg scrambled in oil 3 points
1 piece wheat bread 2 points
1 piece Pepper jack cheese 2 points
1 cup Pacific Chai Spiced latte 2 points

Total 9 points
Points Left: 30

Snack: large apple 0 points

Total 0 points
Points Left: 30

Lunch: Jersey Mike’s Super Sub 15 point

Total 15 points
Points Left: 15



Dinner: Ministrone 3 points
Taters 4 points
No Pudge Brownie 3 points
Milk 3 points

Total 13 points
Points Left: 2

Snack: Cheese and crackers 4 points
PB&J 8 points
Milk 3 points

Total 15 points
Points Left: -13


Exercise: None 0 points

Total + 0 points

Daily Total: -13
Extra Points Carry over: 37
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Friday, January 21, 2011

Yesterday's Info

Well, here is yesterday's form. I keep tinkering with these so expect things to change.

Friday 20 Jan 2011
Weigh in: 257.6 Total Loss: Wk 3.2
Points allowed: 39 Mo 3.2
Extra Points: 43 Overall 3.2
Exercise Points: 11

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: Cream of Wheat 3 points
Hard Boiled Egg 2 points

Total 5 points
Points Left: 34

Lunch: 2 Crunchy Fresco Tacos 8 points
½ Mexican Pizza 7 points
1 Chicken Taco 4 point

Total 19 points
Points Left: 15

Snack: Chocolate milk (1 cup) 4 points

Total 4 points
Points Left: 11


Dinner: Chicken 4 points
Mashed Taters 3 points
Vegtable 1 points
Vegtable 0 points
Brownie 4 points
Milk 3 points

Total 15 points
Points Left: -4

Snack: Peanut Butter 3 points
Bread 2 points
Milk (1/2 cup) 1 points

Total 6 points
Points Left: -10


Exercise: Housework, Moderate 4 points

Total + 4 points

Daily Total: -10 – 4 - 6 = 0
Extra Points Carry over: 37
Exercise Points Carry over: 0

Things are looking good. Weight is dropping and exercise is happening. Something lit a fire under Cindy's butt and that is a good thing as we are now working towards losing the weight and getting healthy, since they are different things.

The other thing going on is that w are working on decluttering the house and cleaning it up for Chinese New Year. She is really working hard on the Craft Room and that is helping to break up some of the energy stagnation. That can help us overall in that the House energy will flow better and thus our own energy will flow better. At least that is the theory.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Things can change

I have started Weight Watchers again and am hoping it is more successful than last time. I did lose about 20 pounds but then I ended up on Remeron and swelled like a balloon. I hated that and ever since then my body has been soaking up the weight. That sucks. So here we go again.

We are also hitting the Y more recently, trying to get there daily but at least going every other day. The workout is nice and is helpful. There are good hopes for getting healthy and losing the weight.

Also what is interesting is that my body seems to be craving Martial Arts. I keep wanting to flow into moves that I haven't used in years. This isn't Tai Chi, this is more the Hard Art stuff like Hapkido and Shotokan. It is fairly strange but I can live with it. I guess at some point I need to just relax and let my body do what it wants. there may actually be a reason.

Here is my form for yesterday, containing the food and the exercise. This is how I am currently tracking the points. Enjoy.

Thursday 19 Jan 2011
Weigh in: 257.6
Points allowed: 39
Extra Points: 43
Exercise Points: 0

Total Loss:
Wk 3.2
Mo 3.2
Overall 3.2

Measurements:
Bust 55.5
Waist 49.75
Hips 53
Arms 14.5
Thigh 27.5

Panties: 9
Bra 46 D
Pants: 26
Top: 20

Breakfast: None 0 points

Total 0 points
Points Left: 39

Lunch: Baked Lays 3 points
6” Chicken Pesto Roll 10 points
6” CA Hummer 6 point
Lrg White Choc Macadamia 6 points

Total 25 points
Points Left: 14

Dinner: Salmon 6 points
Broccoli & Cauliflower 0 points
Basmati Rice 4 points
Brownie 5 points

Total 15 points
Points Left: -1

Exercise: 15 minutes walking 1 points
20 minutes weights 2 points
30 minutes swimming, breaststroke 9 points

Total + 12 points

Daily Total: -1-1= 0
Extra Points Carry over: 43
Exercise Points Carry over: 11

So things are starting to look good on this end at least in terms of getting started on both weight loss and exercise. Cindy is thinking of doing the Couch to 5k program and that sounds like it could be fun. I'll let you know how that is going.

The biggest thing I need to work on now is Spirit stuff. I am working on Jobs, getting published and the like but my Spirit work needs help. I do meditate some at the Y while I am in the steam room. I find it nice and relaxing. I will try to incorporate more of that into things.

Anyway... thanks for listening.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I feel like a failure

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dropped the ball somewhere an what the result is is this bleak place where I sit here and feel like my life is false and broken. It is mostly the little things that have driven this home, like the fact that I am getting sir'd more. Or the fact that my voice is deeper and it doesn't sit right. Or the fact that I can't recognize myself when I look in a mirror. Or the fact that my clothes feel more like a costume than anything else. I feel fake, like the depressed, spiritually bereft boy that had started the journey to who I am today. I feel like all this is for naught.

I have not seen my family in years. The last time I saw my family I had been on hormones for maybe 6 months. I wore a tight sports bra to flatten my breasts just so I wouldn't cause an issue. That was 7 years ago. I have seen my mother a few more times. She is trying but I am totally cut off from the rest of my family and some sort of dark secret that they wish would go away.

I feel alone, which is ironic because I have a loving wife and daughter and some of the best friends in the world. When I am around them I often feel detached from everything, like I am slightly off time or out of focus with everything else. I don't like feeling this way and I hate that this feeling is consuming me. I feel like a failure, like I have not lived up to my own expectations. I feel like my life has been lived but not by me, specially as of late.

My wife thinks part of this is the normal body issues all women seem to have compounded by the trans issue. I have no idea if it is true or not but it certainly sounds plausible. Maybe I'm just having the bit of depression I seem to have every 28 days or so. That is probably helping make it worse the last day or so but this has been building for a while. I feel lost with no idea what to do.

I am getting frustrated with the search for an Agent and I am having the urge to scream. I love writing and I am clearly the Muse's Bitch but I can't eat those words, I can't pay the rent with the stories I post here. And even with that I feel like I have not done enough of something because I don't seem to get the kudos or comments that I sort of expect. But I have ranted about that before so let's drop it.

It is difficult to want to go on with this feeling crushing me down. I lose myself in the routine of the net and chores and watching seasons at a time of TV shows from Netflixs. I so totally want to give up and go comatose or something, just to get away from it all. I feel terrible and totally want to call the game. The thing that is keeping me going is a story, which is a great joke to me. This story that I am getting bits and glimpses of that wants me to bring it forth. So yeah, I'm a failure who is living for this pic story bursting through my brain. That is funny, at least to me.

I wonder if J.K. Rowling felt like this...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sunday night

Still hovering around 260. Not overly pleased but so it goes. The plan is to go to the Y in the morning. I am really hoping we do that but if the weather craps out like it is supposed to we may not make it. So it goes I guess.

Have started with the newest round of decluttering/ cleaning. I am hoping it goes well and helps clear the stagnation. I think attacking the Feng Shui might be the best course of action.