Return of the Jihad

Okay... it has been a while hasn't it. Heh...

So... I am at 255 weight wise, which sucks but in a way I am not surprised. There have been no real lifestyle changes pretty much ever. I got down to 245 and then stumbled back up. so, this sucks.

I am unsure what to do. I almost feel like I am trapped by a sense of learned helplessness and despair, that I am stuck with thought and life patterns from pre-transition as well as fallout from being sick for about two years. I became massively sedentary and now I am living out one of those basic laws of physics: Laws at Rest tend to stay at rest.

So I am at rest, and even though I KNOW that I need to exercise and do stuff but I find myself stymied at every turn. That is problematic, massively so. I am able to write but even then I have a varying desire to do so. Part of that is tied to the new twitchiness in my left shoulder. That really killed more of my drive as it felt like things were failing in my life more and more.

I am attempting to fix this but again I am fighting against being massively at rest.

Here's hoping it works.