Holiday Updates

I am really excited about the fact that my weigh in this morning was 259.4. I am stoked that I am no longer in the 260s. That sucked and now I am no longer there. In between working on my diet and stuff it seems to be working. That is pretty nice.

Job wise, I am still in Limbo with the IRS but I have heard that they just started talking to people, which is fucked up. I mean I applied in September. So I am still applying for things and I hope that I hear back from something.

Still no word from the person I sent the query letter to. I guess I should move on to someone else. Maybe I should just send stuff to publishers first? I am not sure. Since I don't know the business I figured that an Agent would be a first good step. Perhaps I should just go right to the publishers and see what happens from there? Who knows.

I realized the other day that I need to work more on my faith as I feel a bit cut adrift in things and that isn't a good thing. That might help with the sense of disquiet I feel.

So there you go, a quick update to see how I am and what is going on.

Wow... over a month with nothing... sorry all five of my diligent readers. ;)

Anyway, news. Have started swimming again, which is a great goodness. Life has been on the crazy side so getting back to something I do honestly love is a good thing.

The House is being dealt with and no more trips up and back necessary for quite a while, which is good. We have to sell the place, but that can be dealt with fairly easily and with little stress. So, go us. That is a lot less stress than before and it has been a godsend.

I am on a new VA program called Telehealth. I have a little box hooked up to a scale and my computer. I basically weigh in a lot and do stuff daily on it. I think the idea is to keep it focused in your mind that you want to lose weight. Not a bad plan and it is worth a shot. I have lost some, as I was up to 267-268 and now am back to 261. That is a lot better for my mental health to see I am losing.

No news on the job front, which is depressing. I need to expand my search for work and then hopefully get a job that I can do and that I can get benefits from, so my family has coverage. That will be very nice.

On the writing front I have a new story that I think is very marketable. There is a lot of energy to it and the weird energy feelings I have had seem to be connected to it. The idea is pretty cool and seems to have loads of potential. I am looking forward to getting it done. Right now I am trying to finish 300 Rains.

I have not heard back from that one agent I sent something to nor have I heard back from Hillary's agent. So it goes.

That's it basically, my life in a nutshell.

Glad to be back.

Painting fun

So very sore, as yesterday was a serious work day. We were up at the House and were there for about 6 hours. In that six hours I worked roughly 5 hours straight painting, standing a good portion of that. I was quivering, with my legs and arms just vibrating at the edge of immanent failure. Not good one way, fairly okay the next.

The benefit was that it was a lot of work done and that I was able to do it. That was impressive and not something I knew I could do. So positive there. Plus it is good exercise. Another positive.

The plan is to hit the Y later and I am looking forward to swimming and the Hot tub. I am thinking I might hot tub and then swim, in order to loosen my muscles up. Can't hurt.

Update

Swam the other day, and that felt nice but lately it has been more work at the house in Gallatin than anything else. This of course means our diet is pretty screwed up as well. We really need to fix this as I am more than tired about weighing about 260. I want our life to settle down enough so that we will be able to get in better shape. After the first yard sale there was a lull and that was good, but now... We can do this, but our sore bodies and exhaustion are making it far more difficult. I want to get healthy and we aren't there yet.

Rub, rub, rub

Well, got a massage today and I am hoping to go swimming today as I could use the workout and the hot tub would be a great goodness. I need to sell the plan to Cindy but I don't think it will be a hard sell. The heat and the buoyancy will help us both.

This work on my side and the deep tissue work Brian is doing on my shoulder is painful but I swear, my shoulder is loosening up. I can only hope that the pain will fade and I will have full use of my shoulder, or at least a lot more that I have now.

Y?

Life has been crazy lately and we haven't made it to the Y in several days. I miss it, but we are so busy what with the reception that was last night, the shower today, Katie's visit from Kent and the usual insane life stuff. So because of that Monday is the restart day for the Y. Granted this isn't completely a stop, but it isn't a couple of days off. Gotta fight to keep the momentum going.

Today

Exercise was good today. No swimming thanks to the little medical issue, so we did the weights and I did 15 minutes on the recumbent bikes. It was a nice work out. Tomorrow I am hoping to swim and this time for 30-35 minutes. That should be fun.

We are still working on our diet but once we get that settled we will be doing well.

Watery fun

Yesterday I worked out for about 2 hours between aquatic PT, weights, walking in water and water aerobics. It was a nice workout. Today I swam for 25 minutes straight, which was nice as well. 40 more laps and that would be a mile. If I can swim for an hour straight I should be able to do that.

I am enjoying the exercise.

Playing catch up

Yeah... things have been busy as of late.

We got the estate sale done, which is nice. That reduces a major source of stress and we don't have to log long days running back and forth from Gallatin going through crap. It's done and I am okay with that.

In terms of Jobs, I have heard back from an agent who wanted to read the sample chapters. I guess next will be the whole manuscript. That will be cool.

I also have an application in at MedSolutions which might turn into a job, as well as several other government jobs I can apply for. So more possibility for work there.

I have lost weight and am back in the 250's which is nice. A lot of that is the not eating out thing, which has been nice as out food is rarely as great as Cindy makes, so that is something. I have gone from around 265 to 256 in about a week, which is impressive. I mean... wow. So that is moving in a direction.

We are back at the Y, so more swimming for Heather. Yay! I also have aquatic therapy and will be getting PT for my ankle. All in all not a bad catch up. Life is pretty good all things considered.

Writing

So I heard back from the Agency. Six days is pretty awesome since I was expecting a few weeks. They passed on my novel at this time. Their loss.

So it goes.

Life is continuing on it's crazy way. So nothing new there.

I had the most useless KT appointment ever where the woman simply told me things I already knew and didn't give me any advice on how to modify exercises to compensate for my bad shoulder. Cindy and I are heading off to the Y to get back into the place and work on going there everyday for a workout. That will doubtless help and I am looking forward to swimming and the hot tub. Like for real.

My ankle still hurts but now we know that it has some sort of soft tissue damage to it. Apparently the fact that I have rested it, iced it, etc... does not matter, as that was the advice given to me by the nurse. I need an actual solution to this problem and not just telling me things I already know.

In terms of work, I sent in a query letter to a literary agency. Here's hoping that they are interested in Transitioning Home and decide that they can sell it. I would appreciate that a good deal, as income is sexy. Besides, I want to start on the whole making money from my writing thing and have that as my primary form of employment. So I at least took a first step.

Spiritually I am in a kind of ambivalent place. I am feeling a really interesting tug of war internally between utterly embracing what my spirit is doing on one hand and sort of remaining in this world on the other. I am wanting a place of balance between them but that is getting harder to find. Maslow's Hierarchy of needs is pretty accurate since I am so worried about mundane stuff that my faith is in fifth place or further back. So that is definitely going to take some work as situations permit.

So, there you go.

Update

So it's been a while, but that's because life got crazy with working on the house and getting Katie to college. I did find out that I didn't get that job, the one with the DoJ. Le sigh... so it goes. I will write more later.

Job news

Well, the Job guy for the Voc Rehab people is going to help me with Resumes and stuff, but does not think I need to be doing any retraining, at all, as I am 'better trained than 90% of people out there' and that I need job experience and not school. Whatever... if it means income to feed myself and my family I can live with it.

So I have to completely retool my resume and stuff, and be willing to do a crap job to get into something and move from there. again, I am pragmatic enough to know that is how the word works often enough but I don't have to like it. Hopefully this guy can actually be helpful and give me the information and help I need in order to find a decent job until novel writing starts making money.

Update and musing on Portion Porblems

Well, Whedonfest is over and now time to get back into the serious work of trying to fix issues in my life.

Lets see... the Job fair gave me some interesting options as well as show me a MA program that sounds interesting and a good use of my skills. So there is some hope on the job front.

Ankle still hurts, so a lot of good exercise options are out. I need to get that looked at but the MRI isn't until 21 Aug and that means it isn't until probably September that something will be done about that. Totally fucking sucks. Maybe I just need to ignore the VA and treat this myself? It is worth considering.

My faith is going well, but I really should meditate more. I feel better after doing it so there really isn't a reason that I am not meditating except for the fact that my depression is making me want to hide from the world rather than deal with it. Gotta get over that crap.

House is semi trashed, but duh... Whedonfest. It did really well this year, but we do need to catch up on making the home environment serene...

So there you have that update. Now onto the other stuff.

Okay, so I am at 261 right now and that is disturbing. I hate this craziness that’s going on with my weight. It is really bothering me, especially because it isn’t like I eat badly. I like vegetables and salads, and all sorts of good for you food. Hell eating just chicken or fish would not be a huge hardship. The problem for me seems to be portion control. I don’t eat a lot of deserts or empty calories but I eat a lot of normal food.

I like food and truly enjoy eating excellent food. I am not sure as to why I seem to be more focused on eating larger amounts of food than I should but I need it to stop. I suppose I should get to weighing and measuring all of my food, so I only eat single portions and the like, but I am worried that I will fail. I guess that is a common worry for most anyone doing any weight loss plan. I just don’t seem to have a good idea in my head as to what exactly good portion sizes are. I know the pack of cards and those other measures but in a lot of ways that doesn’t really seem to help me. I guess I need to hunt that all down again and start seriously following it.

The other issue tied into this is that I seem to be the one in my family that ‘finishes’ food, thus getting extra. I have a difficult time turning down food or not completing my meals. Part of it has to do with the fact that my mother constantly talked about eating her monies worth. Paying for food and then not eating ALL of it really bugged her. She talked about that wasting money, which it is, but the message I took was not avoid over ordering but rather eat everything and then some, so there is a good value for your money spent.

Growing up, my mom loved taking my brother Brian and my best friend Tony out to all you could eat places. The joke about ‘You here four hour. You scare my wife.’ seemed to be very true in relation to our meals. Granted teenaged boys really burn calories but my mom did get a smug satisfaction when we would go someplace like Chesapeake Seafood House and eat all their food. The place stopped having an all you can eat night after we went there for the third time and ate for something like two + hours. It was obscene. But my mom considered it a great value.

I love getting the all you can eat sushi at Cathay and Cindy and I actually sit back and calculate the value of what I have eaten versus the value of what we paid. My personal best was a little over 60 dollars of sushi for 14 dollars. That is a lot of sushi. Now I don’t feel so bad about that, as sushi is not really that bad for you and that much sushi didn’t blow my weight watchers points for the day. But it does let me know that I have developed a similar mindset.

I have been proud lately of actually eating my meal and leaving food, especially eating out. Part of that is the ever increasing size of portions and the other bit is that I recognize that I DO NOT need to eat everything on my plate, that getting full is a great stopping point. I don’t like feeling bloated and way over fed. I get really food coma-ish and that is not comfortable.

Places I really enjoy the all you can eat thing and it not be a problem is at Ruby Tuesday. I can eat huge amounts of salad and be fine. The only bad things I eat there are the cottage cheese and maybe pickled beets. I really don’t put too much extra cheese on the salads as well. So that is not too bad, but otherwise, I really do eat a hell of a lot, volume wise. I need to eat less volume and I am sure that alone will have a major impact on my weight. Maybe even reducing the bad cards and sticking with the complex carbs the body needs. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like nothing but a hog, stuffing itself for market and that isn’t good for anyone.

I hate this shit.

So I am going to try and reduce my portion sizes. That will hopefully help. Add in eating better and that can hopefully really help my weight. I have a lot of hopefuls here and those are never guarantees, but you gotta try. I don’t want gastric bypass, but if I can’t do this and I keep gaining then it might be the only decent option I have available. Man that sucks. Effort first then surgery… The fact that I am even considering it distresses me but I am aware that I don’t want to heat into the upper twos or the threes and low fours that Brian got to. What a crap time to realize that HRT probably shifted my metabolism closer to my mom, sisters and brothers. So it goes.

Any way, here’s hoping that I can make this work.

Whedonfest

Well, tomorrow is Whedonfest. I will talk about that and the job fair I went today later.

Ciao everybody.

Recent Developments

Well, Whedonfest is almost here. That is basically the all consuming thing for this next week. I am already tired and we haven't actually got started. Not an overly good sign.

In addition to Dealing with our house, dealing with Cindy's Mom's House, and dealing with getting things ready for Whedonfest I also have the Thursday from hell. Thursday I am going to a job fair that is just for vets. So I have to print out resumes and trek around the place, dropping them off and making an impression while I do so. That can't hurt in the job scene as I have heard tell that income is sexy. So, that should be fun. Also that day I have a follow up interview with the Voc Rehab people where I may officially hear back from them on the whole school thing. I have no idea what is going to come out of that, but either work or school will be helpful, since they would pay me a stipend. Thing is, as far as I can tell, the soonest I can start school is in January, which doesn't help much.

As for the DoJ job I am hoping for. I am going to email Magda's friend, as she offered to look into the job thing for me. I am not going to turn that down, that's for sure. I think it might be a helpful thing, but again I don't know. Man I want that job.

Diet is fuxored, as we are living the transient life, going back and forth between Gallatin and here. And the ankle is still problematic. I still have 20 days until the MRI is done and so I am looking at at least another month without my ankle getting much in the way of better, or at least knowing what is going on with it. Part of me wants to say fuck it and drive on, but the fact that yesterday both of my ankles hurt so bad I couldn't really stand without being in great pain. That massively sucked and I want this crap to stop. I want to be able to exercise, so I can loose this damnable weight. I am trying to adjust my eating habits but that is not terribly easy. There is so much unconscious thought going into food choices that it is a bit scary.

So there you have it, what has been going on recently.

The long and winding road

Dealing with the passing of Cindy's mom is making all of this harder to do. I am trying to get mostly vegetables and chicken and stuff, but I slip sometimes. The fish taco last night was pretty good, so it's not like chicken is not as good as red meat, but I do like red meat's taste.

Bit by bit I am working on making this happen, but recently it seems harder. I want to go walking but my ankle hurts and whenever I do any decent amount of walking it hurts, throbbing in an uncomfortable way. I need that dealt with before I can start walking as much as possible. I want to move but my body is conspiring against me. So it goes.

Yet again

Well, I am going to start trying the weight watcher thing again today. It did work, up until about 2.5 months so I'm not sure what that is all about, but I am trying to figure that out. I plan on doing some stretches and crunches later, but that covers it. I am waiting to see what happens, job search wise, as I have heard nothing back. I keep telling myself that it has only been a week since things were finalized. 11 days, mind you, but only one business week. Maybe I should refocus and look at Agents.

So anyway, here we go again.

Well, the official weigh in with the VA is 260.2. Damn... I need to loose about 105 pounds... crap. I better get going.

Sometimes it hurts to move, and I am not sure if that is good or bad

Life has become all about moving around and getting things done. Too busy to be sedentary at the moment with keeping our house clean while processing Cindy's Mother's house. I ache everywhere from yesterday and I am sure I will ache tonight. This whole situation sucks with great suckatude. But it is a form of exercise.

Interestingly, I have been craving food that is at least moderately good for me. More salads and small portions. I am famblished all the time but nothing sounds good. Maybe Katie's pickiness is contagious. GAH! Anywho... I have actually lost a little since this whole mess has started, like 2 pounds or so. It's a something. If this whole situation weren't so screwed up I am sure we could cook, but we don't have the spoons for that, either of us but my Beloved has all but had her silverware tray stolen.

Well, back up today, then taking Sunday off and then back up Monday. Bleagh... the world of suck is everywhere. But at least I am still moving, and that might mean weight loss and better health at the end of this nonsense.

Job 2

Well, the application is in and now the wait begins. This is probably going to make me crazy. I want this job but I am not sure I will get the job. Hell, at least I applied and got everything done. That in and of itself is impressive for me. It's a start at any rate.

Job?

Well, I am waiting to complete my application for the Job I want with the DoJ. Once the documents have uploaded then I can finish this sucker, 2 days before the deadline. I can totally do this job and I have the skills and training necessary to succeed, if only I actually get hired. So now comes the nerve wracking part where I wait for a response. Can you tell that I am nervous?

Le sigh

Well, Saturday sucked as we found out that my Beloved's mother had passed away. This is throwing everything out of whack and we are coping. Somedays it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Just how often do I need to hit restart?

Am I a terrible blogger or what?

Any way...

I am going to start this again. I think my Beloved is right in the recovery track. That might be the best way to face this and indeed the term Jihad does have its roots in fighting against ourselves to better connect to God/ Allah/ FSM/ whoever... The Greater Jihad is all about fighting against your urge to do the easy path, to not put in the work for something. And recovery is all about fighting inertia and doing the work. This isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it, if I can get off my fat ass and do it.

Biggest problem right now is that my ankle is screwed up to the point where walking is less than enjoyable, and that is for short trips like the bathroom. But there are things I can do, like crunches, stretches, working with weights and the like. It is at least a start on that front. Also diet is also something that can be addressed more and there I feel hampered by Katie and her extreme pickiness. We really need to get past her issues and cook for ourselves. When we have done that Katie has been fed as well, but we eat decent.

Weight Watchers was working, ish, but not well enough, as it was easy to skip things or loose track. I think it might be worth following up on but I don't know. I do know that we have to fairly radically change things if we want this to work.

Still no joy on the job front. I am finishing up my application for a job and if I got it, it would be great, but I am unsure as to what my options are. I need to actually get going on the publishing front, to try and sell my novel, because that would be good. I feel conflicted. The VA might be sending me back to school, which would be lovely, as that would mean money, but again, going back to school would be both fun and stressful.

Life is kind of like that... you know...

Thankfully not a false start

Weight: 254
Slept well, maybe a 6 out of 10
Had a headache all day. Ankle ad shoulder hurt intermittently.
Ran several errands, made several phone calls.
No exercise or meditation.
Food wasn't too bad. Ate lunch out, split half a quesadillia and an order of fish tacos. Had salmon for dinner.

Well, it is partially a start. Things look pretty good, plan wise. Starting the exercise and meditation tomorrow so that should help. Step by step, we will get there.

Here is hoping that this will work.

Restart

Well, vacation was survived and we did a lot of walking or swimming at Branson. We didn't eat out as often as I figured and our food was good. Now to dive back in a try to get this going. So, yet again there is another start date, Monday.

I am tired with all the restarting. I want to be able to do this and succeed, which would be a nice change of pace. I want more drive and more success. Here's hoping that yet another start can get things going.

Maybe I need a better plan about what sort of things to talk about in this... that can't hurt. Also I am going to put together an Excel spreadsheet to deal with this as well, probably add loads of information to see what comes out of loads of data. I figure that putting down how I feel, morning weight, migraines and the like with exercise, diet and meditation length can give me something to keep track of. It can't hurt.

Here's to moving forward again. So long as you can get back up and keep moving then you know you are still alive.

Irritation at my stagnation

So, what I am really irked at myself about is the exercise thing. I want to do it but I am very sedentary. I get stuck in this push and pull thing that basically keeps me motionless for the most part. That bugs me. The problem is that I have no idea how to overcome this inertia.

Part of the problem is that my metabolism slowed way down once I started HRT. That is not an excuse but rather a fact. Because of this metabolism issue I have gotten corpulent, clocking back in at 250. The issues with my shoulder are a huge reason why a lot of exercise goes awry. If I walk for a long time or run it aches. This is a big issue as it severely limits my ability to do anything.

I am not sure what to do here. I have been thinking of charting things like time exercising and steps taken and weight but again, I am not sure if it will work. I feel stuck in Neutral and I can't seem to get into Drive. Maybe the Universe needs to give me some sort of kick in the ass. Or maybe it is, who knows. Fact is, I know lots of stuff but don't really use it. That has to stop. I know what to do so I should just fucking do it.

Great now I'm a Nike add, next I suppose I will say something about Be all you can be. How very Army. That doesn't make it a lie but it is an annoying bit of propaganda.

I just gotta fucking move and attack this weight issue aggressively. How bad could it get?

Irritation

Okay, for the last several weeks I have been not doing the program correctly, like I had lost interest in the Weight Watchers thing. I am aware that contrary to the way the program works, one meal can be 'free' within the first two days and then you work from there. Problem is that I have basically been taking the weekends off from the diet. Not a very helpful process when attempting something along these lines.

The other issue along these lines is that I have not been writing my food down or tracking my points. And lo and behold... I am gaining weight. So I am going to try to get back on to that as it kept me mindful of what I was eating and so I didn't eat too much. This whole thing really irritates me.

Granted I am aware that sacrifices need to be made in order to loose weight, but there are days I want to eat everything. I mean Friday I ate 3.5 grilled cheese sandwiches. That is a bit on the overkill side. Tasty, but overkill. And with things like that I am a mite surprised that I am gaining currently. Bah!

In terms of work... well, that has not been going well. I do have a possibility. A friend of mine in the Pants gave me the name of her company. They like to hire ex-Intel folk, like myself to work on various projects for the Military. That sounds tempting, especially as income is sexy. I will look things over, put together a resume and see what happens. It's just that resumes never really cover all of my skills nor how they interrelate. Makes me crazy.

Need to tinker with a few combat scenes to make sure they feel right and then I need to send off a letter to an agent. Scares me silly, but if I want to get paid I gotta play the game.

That's it for now as I got other things churning in me head...

Ugh...

Well, I finished Soldier Boy, which is most excellent. Now I can start hunting Agents. If it sells I can make this money I have heard so much about!

Uhm... haven't really been recording my eating this week so I am a bit afraid of what my weight is going to be. Recording the food and following the points really works well. I highly recommend it.

I cleaned part of the garage and then moved some rock and wood to frame the front garden. That was very sweaty work, so it was probably good for me.

So that's where today is.

Thanks,

Week in Review

Well, I gained a pound back this week, but that's not too bad. I ate horribly ad kept really poor track of my points and only regained 1 pound, so I can live with that. I need to do more exercise but that's about it. Other than the flooding in Nashville and the Voc Rehab happiness, everything is good.

Teh Suckage

So yesterday was a bad food day as I ate fast food and table of fire. I am certain I completely screwed up my points for the week but I couldn't care. There were other things going on.

I got my CPAP machine and that tried to kill me. Last night as was able to sleep with it on for a little bit and that was good. Maybe tonight I will be able to wear it longer still. If it fixes the whole sleeping issue then it will be utterly worth it. I just get Army flashbacks when I put it on, since the easiest way to do that is like putting on a gasmask. So that is a bit odd.

The other big change is on the job front. The VA basically reoppened my file and now I am completely eligible for Voc Rehab benefits again. The problem is that I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Even though I keep telling myself I really am not all that skilled, I am aware that I have a huge range of skills, talents and interests. This is not an easy choice.

I might... might... be able to get them to pay for an MFA. There are loads of other bits of training I can do as well. I am in freefall and unsure which chute I want to put on. Kind of dorky like that. Now if only I could come up with a decent plan for the work. It would be nice.

So I am wandering around in a daze from them allowing this as well as trying to figure out what to do. It is making me a bit crazy all things considered. Hell, the VA is even helping me get a job, at a new VA call center. It will be a GS job which means awesome benefits, decent pay and if I stay in the government I can retire with a good retirement package in something on the order of 14y 9m since my military time counts for that purpose. Weird hunh?

Gah

I have been stupid hungry today, wanting to eat all the food around me. This is making me crazy. I hope I get past this and can manage to not eat my way upward again.

Not too bad this week. No exercise but I did lose another pound, so I am 17 down from 265. I am okay with that. Now to actually do some exercise.

Well, things are still going on the diet part but pretty lousy in the job part or the exercise part. I am not sure why that is but I am hoping to fight against that. I want a job, but if I can finish the edits soon I can send off my novel to an Agent and see where that gets me.

As for exercise... well, tossing Jess has got a good deal of exercise value. Maybe I can start doing some walking. I really need to do something to help myself feel better, but I just don't seem to have much in the way of motivation. So it goes.

I need to get that going.

Week in Review

Not a bad week for Weight Watchers. I pretty much stayed in points and this was the week of Hobbitpalooza, where I ate all day, but all told I did lose 2 pounds. That takes my weight down 16 from where I was when I completely lost it. I made it back under 250, finally, and am at 249, which is pretty cool. So the Weight Watchers is working. It feels slow, but it is moving.

I need to exercise more, which will have an effect on my eating and on my weight loss, though its biggest effect will be to my health. Getting out of breath doing a lot of nothing is very frustrating, but then again after I left the Military I let myself collapse. Add to that the HRT and there you go. It is weird though that when I do Tai Chi, I have a lot of issues with the exercise portion of things but once I get into the teaching or the sparring I am fine and can do a hell of a lot more than I can otherwise. Odd and probably related to the Martial Arts mindset. I really need to get off my fat but shrinking ass as do something. Well, the VA has me slated to see KT, so that might help.

One thing I have noticed is that I have been feeling a bit discontent and I'm not sure why. It is probably related to feeling like I haven't done anything with my life as of late. I have done a lot and have written a huge amount which is only making my style better, which can get me to be able to crank out good work. We'll see how that goes. I guess I am mainly restless and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme nor reason why I feel that way. Hopefully I'll figure it out at some point.

Still no work, which sucks. I want a job that is decent and pays me well and can allow me to keep writing. Is that too much to ask? Honestly...

Dishpan hands and folders elbow

I have done a lot of housework today, mostly in the realms of laundry (washing, drying,folding and putting away) as well as dishes, including some of the hand washing. I am still not a fan of chores and would far rather do anything but them, but since I am the nearest thing to healthy that is here, it all falls to me. Kind of sucks.

I really am not a big fan of household chores. There are thousand of things I would rather do than those damn chores that never end. It just bugs me as there is no hope. I did them yesterday, I did them today and I will do them tomorrow. Unless I got wealthy enough to hire a maid full time, those tasks have to be done and often by me. Sometimes the tedium of daily life just gets to me.

I know it is part of the code of Sangha to get past these things and find joy and contentment in these tasks, as you are doing something for others, but that still doesn't take care of the fact that I really don't like doing these things. But then again... it is all chop wood, carry water after all.

Man there is no winning sometimes. Sheesh.

Le sigh

Well, the diet thing is going well and I am eating better. I only lost 1 pound in the last week and that is a bit disheartening. I am wondering what is going on with my metabolism. Here's hoping that this week works better.

Catchup

Life has been crazy and I have been doing a lot of writing, sorry.

Lets see, I am managing to do more exercising off and on, which is a good thing. Weight Watchers is going well. the house is clean more often than not and things are going well. So not much there.

My current weight is 252, so that is a 13 pound drop from my recent high of 265. I am just looking forward to being under 250 again. Granted the weight loss is not going very quick at the moment, but I figure that has more to do with lack of exercise kicking my metabolism up than anything else. If I can up that, by exercising everyday at least a little, than I think my metabolism will do more and have a bigger impact on my health. It can't hurt... right?

As for work... I had my phone interview for Verizon and I have no idea yet where I stand. I thought I gave a good interview, but I am not sure. If I passed this I apparently have an in person interview. I would really like the job as it has awesome benefits and the pay is great. However, I am basically at the point where income is good and that's it.

So there you have it... what I have been up to.

Good Friday

Well, I am certainly doing better today. I have not been nauseous at all, which is a good thing. I have done well with points and even made a really kick ass pasta sauce with three huge cloves of garlic, onions and canned tomatoes. It was yummy and had a nice kick after I was done seasoning it. Had it over penne with foccia. Tasty. I did pretty well this week, ending with flex points left over and everything. How cool is that?

So I am kind of looking forward to the weigh in tomorrow. I do hope that I have managed to lose those 3 pounds I gained back and then some. That would certainly make me feel better. Tomorrow's dinner though is going to be a free meal as it is Seder and I want to have all of the tastiness as well as my wine. So that should be fun. If I am good the rest of the week I should still lose.

The day of suck

The Weight Watchers is still going well and I made a lovely discovery... 2 pieces of sushi are 1 point. So I can go to the all you can eat place and eat all I can. I like that idea. Can't have too many rolls as they are higher in points but just straight sushi is pretty cheap. Big fan there.

Today has sucked because I have been sick all day, having vomited earlier. This is not a good thing and I am hoping that I can eat more later. The Chicken Noodle soup I had is not sitting well, so maybe I can't eat today... bleach.

Well, I have been doing more exercise, but that is mostly due to cleaning the house. It works but not by much.

Weight Watchers wise things have been going well. Doing good this week and this will hopefully show up as some decent progress in the weight loss category, or at least I hope that.

I have a line on a job with Verizon and that would be nice if it happened. Here's hoping, so basically things are going well.

Daily Review, Saturday

Well, I gained 3 pounds, which is irritating, but so it goes. Here is hoping this week doesn't suck as much as last week.

Le Whine

Well, this week has sucked royally. Between stress and migraines and other pain, I have exercised little and eaten more. There were several days of major stress eating. I am trying to be good but some days it isn't easy.

That is going to be the hardest part of this Jihad, the working through such things and staying on points. I know it won't be easy and I am kind of dreading my weigh in tomorrow, afraid I have gained back, but so it goes. That's life and there is not much you can do about it except pick your ass back up and keep on going. Quitting isn't really an option if you want to live. You gotta live life on your feet and moving forward.

Sounds easy but it is not as easy as most people think.

Today was made of fail

Since I spent a good chunk of hours in an ER today due to a massive migraine, I decided that I was going to say to hell with points and just eat. Purely for medicinal purposes only.

Two days for the price of none

Sunday was pretty good except for the stress eating at the end of the day. But the food was purely for medicinal purpose only. Purely.

Today was a hell of a lot better. I earned some points doing T'ai Chi and stayed within them. That was good. Being able to have spaghetti and meatballs was a nice treat. We even had Garlic bread.

The sauce was great. I caramelized some onions in olive oil with some chili flakes. Then came the 5 cloves of garlic. When the onions were a deep golden color I added the wine. After that cooked off some, then the tomatoes. Lastly the jar of basic sauce are herbs. It was excellent.

Saturday in Review

The weigh in was not all that traumatic. I am down to 254 so 5 pounds down. If I can loose about the same then I will be under 250 for the first time in months. That will be really nice.Weight Watchers works by the whole mindfulness method.

Mindfulness in this case is pretty much just like mindfulness in meditation, a paying attention to your food, instead of your body or breathing. By being aware of your eating and and the points that you consume, you are aware of a number of your eating issues. This will show you if you are focused on sweets, overly large serving sizes and the like. That awareness can help you break through the pattern and get past that. There is a reason mindfulness is a good technique for a lot of things.

So the food thing is in the process of being dealt with so now I really need to start adding exercise. That can give me more points to eat with but more importantly, it can help me get healthy a bit faster. Again not rocket science. Exercise leads to health. Hopefully I can start that, which will be nice.

On the job front, nothing from Wood, so time to check with Verizon and MedSolutions. Past that, I don't know. I am getting pretty frustrated, but I am sure everyone is given how terrible the job market is here in TN. Income will really help and make so many things better.

TGIF

Well, today is the last day of the week and so far the Weight Watchers has gone fairly well. That is a good thing. Yesterday I ended up with half a point of regular points and so I have 2 flex points left. That gives me 32 for the day plus any exercise points I get for house cleaning (maybe 1 or so).

Tomorrow is the weigh in and first chance to see how this is all going. Anything less than 259 will be lovely but I am hoping for a big drop. I remember last time I did this I lost like 8 pounds that first week, so who knows. Being able to get away from 260 is my primary goal. Hell, getting back to 230 will be awesome and it is so strange to say that. So it goes.

St. Paddy's

St. Paddy's turned out to be a bad food day, but that is because I ate one of the prepackaged Yakisoba noodles. 12 points for something with a fairly blah taste, even after I tricked it out. Enough cleaning for some exercise, but again not much.

This prepackaged thing really bugged me. The packaging was listed as 2 servings for a single container. This isn't something that is meant to be shared with others so I was a bit bent to realize that a huge chunk of points were washed right down the drain with that. I really think for things like that the packaging should reflect the fact that it is going to be eaten by one person in one sitting.

It's like cokes and stuff, listing 2.5 servings per 20 oz bottle, when that is clearly going to be consumed probably at one sitting. Thankfully I saw a 16 oz coke with a full bottle label data. That was almost refreshing, pun intended. You know the whole Coke refreshing ad campaign... sigh...

Anyway, with obesity being such a major issue in this nation shouldn't labeling be more consumer friendly rather than company friendly? Granted it is basic math, but to be able to hold the bottle and see how many calories and such you are holding is a hell of a wake up. It is good marketing to break it into individual servings that few is any follow but realistic labeling would point out just how bad some of this crap is for you and that could be bad for business. Soft drinks alone are a huge market with a whole lot of money coming in. To label what things really are might dent profits and we know how unamerican that is. It is almost a crime to want to lower profits in the interest of health.

The fact that the soda industry has also pushed the high fructose corn syrup market, making it the number one additive to most everything, is another hit against your health. I read somewhere that soda and specifically the HFCS causes damage to the pancreas, which can lead to systemic issues. We have basically sweetened our way into bad health.

Now, I am not really all that enamored with sweets. Natural sweeteners in certain foods is generally pretty good for me, though chocolate is worth the sweet. But how many of those use the straight HFCS? Well, more than you might think and that disturbs me. So many things are sweetened with it that the total accumulation you can get from one meal is staggering. Straight sugar is bad enough but this stuff is far worse.

Maybe we can start getting foods that are not sweetened to within an inch of their lives? One of the reasons I prefer real Chinese food to American Chinese food is the sugar. Many of the Chinese dishes aren't that sweet but the American market almost demands it. Just ewwww...

So... anyway... I hope you had a good St. Paddy's and stuff.

Day in review, Tuesday

Let's see... Monday went well... a little exercise, staying mostly in points, all good. Today, went over on points but a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk were worth it. I also went to a pain management group today in Nashville. It might be helpful as the woman leading it is mixing western and eastern approaches. Should be interesting.

Daily Review, Sunday

Yesterday was pretty good. I only did a little exercise but that worked out well. I managed to stay on points really well, so that was nice. I am really hoping that I can drop this weight as it is like carrying around Katie all the time. I may not get back to 155 but I can certainly aim for it. So it goes.

Daily Review, Saturday

Well, we weighed in. I was at 259, which was nice but still way too fat for anyone's good. And this was the first day of Weight Watchers and I did so not good, using 21 of my 35 flex points for the week. The only good thing is that I got my 4 points of exercise in while cleaning the house up for the Darkquinox. I actually got about 10 points but you are only allowed to count 4 of them. I am fine with that but I almost feel cheated.

At some point today we are going to take measurements. That will be so fun, but I am aware of how huge I am. It is just depressing to have such a tangible reminder of things. So it goes. However, the shrinking numbers will make me feel better. You have to start somewhere and body awareness can only help in something like this.

I just need to get more exercise, so that I can get back into decent shape. Whee! Anyway, take care. Ciao!

Starting WW

Well, the anniversary was awesome. We ate at Bonefish grill and then went to Arrington Winery for a tasting. It was a lot of fun and it was a nice day overall. Granted, today I had to do a lot of housework, which does mostly count as exercise. It took a few hours but I did get a huge amount of the house clean.

Today we are starting with the Weight Watcher program. I lost over 20 pounds on that program and that was before I was given Remeron and it caused me to swell up. That sucked but the program did work for my Beloved and I. It isn't the most complex system around, just mindful eating and exercising. The point tracking does make you conscious of the food you are consuming and that is often all you need to lose the weight. It works if you stay motivated. This blog is supposed to help with that. :)

As for exercise, well we have talked about that and I do hope that I can manage to lose what I need to and get back into something that resembles shape. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Day in review, Thursday

Well, did a lot of cleaning and such. Other than that, not a lot.

Day in review, Wednesday

Today was okay for the most part. The sex was great but slamming my knee into the corner of the desk majorly sucked. I am still hobbling. Wah! Here is hoping tomorrow is better.

Day in review, Tuesday

Well... today was pretty good. I am getting a CPAP machine and hopefully that will help with my sleep issues. Worked on the diet stuff with the wife and we even walked some, which was nice. Thursday I go to finish up what I need for a job. So, that was fun. It was a good day.

Quick Hello

This is just a quick hello to all our NSA readers. A'saalam Alekum. Have fun, enjoy the read and let me know if you have any national security concerns.

Peace

The Problem with Weight Loss

Okay, so what is going on with me and weight loss? I can’t seem to get motivated to begin and keep going. It isn’t like weight loss is all that mysterious or strange, eating better, healthier and exercising. This isn’t rocket science but I really don’t seem to driven to change. Why?

I figure part of the problem is my self-perception. For the longest time I hated myself and hated my body, thanks to the trans thing. I still have issues with my body, at least one part and that does keep some of those feelings lingering, like my body isn’t worth the effort to keep healthy and to lose weight. This is of course amazingly stupid but who ever said the psyche ever made any sense. It isn’t my body’s fault that I was born male nor is it my body’s fault that I am mentally female. Things just sort of worked out that way.

Honestly, I should take care of my body now that I am a good way down the path of transition. My body is starting to match myself finally and I shouldn’t let one small body part derail all the other good things have happened. Hopefully I can get past that as being healthy can make surgery easier on my body and will make healing from that easier.

As for exercise… well, I know lots of exercise knowledge. I have done lots of martial arts, PT in the Army and having been on a crosscountry team and a swim team. I know what to do and my body remembers doing those exercises, I just have to do them. Doing stretching, a little Yoga, basic calisthenics, and Tai Chi would be a good start along with walking. I want to get back to swimming as I enjoy it a great deal and it is a great full body exercise. As I lose weight, I can move into more vigorous exercise and martial arts. That will be nice as I really do miss doing more of that.

As for food… well, I like to eat. Food is a great goodness and my wife is a hell of a cook. I think my biggest issue there is the amount I eat. I do eat several portions at the same time, especially in things I like, which is honestly most things. Portion control is more of my issue than what I eat. I am not really a big dessert eater so that isn’t where I am getting the influx of calories. But eating a bit smarter might help with the weight loss thing as well, especially if I can actually eat more vegetables and fruits. Actually, I am certain I don’t eat enough fruit so that should probably change.

I am rather partial to the meditrasian diet, as a lot of my favorite foods come from those regions. Sticking with whole grain pasta and maybe more brown rice would help a bit more and I actually like both. Maybe trying some of the Asian noodle variations like buckwheat pasta and the like would be good as well. I don’t know. The wife and I need to talk about that. Eating more fish would be good as well and less red meat. I mean, sure, steak every once in a while, but I do like chicken and fish a lot, with some meals being basically vegetarian. Gotta try something at this point.

I am just hoping that I can actually keep focus in this. I know that most any food is okay in the right portions and such, but I am worried about sticking to that. I am hoping that this works out for a change and that I can actually get past this. I hate being this weight, but I guess it does serve me right. I was pretty smug about being thin when my mother and brother and sister were all obese. Now, both my brother and sister are lighter than me, which is freaky. I have no idea if my mother has lost any weight, but I kind of doubt it. So, if that is a part of this, guys I am sorry for feeling that way about you. It was unkind and uncalled for.

Well, I hope that things can start to change starting Wednesday. If we can get the damn shopping list together and such, maybe. I just am tired of being fat. Ever since I started HRT I have swelled nearly non-stop. This is just sad.

Any way… you have to start somewhere… right?

Day in review, Monday

Well, my health is a bit shaky again, as I am suffering from the exhaustion and some bouts of coughing like I did when the whooping cough was in full swing. When it hits it is like anything that resembles energy drains out of me and I am left fairly limp. Not a good thing. That becomes a stumbling block in this quest and really irritates me.

I did get some cleaning done before it got too strong but not as much as I wanted. But some is better than none. I also hung up my clothes, which I usually don't do, so that was a good thing as well.

I have a sleep doc appointment tomorrow and hopefully I can get the CPAP machine I have been told that I need. Maybe getting better sleep will help with losing weight as it should help with the energy thing. At this point it can't really hurt. Then, if I have time, I am going to check on getting a job. Income will be a lovely thing. If I cannot get in tomorrow then Thursday is the next day they have open for me to come in. Makes me a bit crazy all in all, but what can you do. The job I want is working as a CSR for a company that makes cooking supplies, like deep friers and the like. I think I can handle that. The money would be good, which I can also live with and if the company likes me I go from temp to full hire. I can live with that as well.

Freaking out isn't fun to do

I have determined that Panic Attacks are not good for you and make you feel out of sorts and like crap the rest of the day. Today, talking to my new shrink about my old Unit in the Army got me set off, needed two doses of anti-anxiety meds and just a whole day of recuperation. So amazingly not fun.

Food wise, not too bad. No real exercise to speak of. So pretty much a blah day all in all. Now I think I will take a shower and pass out again. I am tired and just off. Bed might be a mercy.

Day in review

Still very sore and tired from the road trip. Had a big sushi lunch and little other food, but I ate a huge amount of food, so that works out.

I have been a bit out of it, unable to really write so that is why this is so short. Sorry. I want to talk about a few other things, but I am out of it.

The Long and Winding Road

Sorry I haven't written much lately, but so what... neither has Shakespeare.

Took a short jaunt to Kent State University, a brisk 10+ hour drive. Whee. I am so tired but it was a good and informative trip. Ate more food than I think is good for anyone, but then again CrazyQuilts could be a feeder and feels better for making you eat it all.

So, back to the grind come morning.

Day 8 in review

I am an idiot.

While I did things to keep the house clean not much else happened, until later when it was time for bowling. The first game I got maybe 43 or something with my left arm, which hurt because I was not used to it. The second game used my right arm and I got a 153, which I think is a personal best. A smart person would have stopped there, noting the growing tightness of the muscle. The third game was a 101, as around the middle of the game things started to get worse. The last two frames were pure misery. Naturally I didn't stop.

So now my arm hurts and I am annoyed. What an idiot.

Day 7 in review

Well, did a lot of house cleaning and the like. No editing as I am on a refill kick right now, putting other stories in and letting that help refuel my tank. When I can write again it will be nice.

I am hoping that I can get a job soon as the income would be lovely.

One of the things I know is holding me back is that even though I am upset over how my body looks, I am not really doing anything to change that. Getting motivated to do the exercises that I know will help is a pain in the ass and I really don't like it. I want to lose the weight but I can't seem to get my fat ass up and moving except on days where Jess-tossing is involved. This is really irritating me and I hope I can figure out a way around it.

Take care,

Day 6 in review

Well, today has been rather blah. I didn't get the Demand Studio job, barely did any writing, ate poorly but I did get sunglasses from the VA, so that is something. Oh... and had a kidney stone attack. Whee!

Here is hoping that I don't have to deal with that anymore.

Day 5 in review

So I did teach tai chi, even doing some, but my migraine hasn't gone away, so all day fun there. The fish for dinner was nice as well. Yum. I am also over 60% of the way through the final pass of the novel and that is going well. All in all, a pretty good day. Here is hoping that the headache passes.

Stepping out on the right foot

So I am doing better today. Granted I have had a migraine which has slowed me down but I have filled out an application online, worked on my resume, done some dishes, am planning on throwing Jess into things and the like. Not a bad start. Still a bit sick to my stomach from the migraine and tender headed, but that is basically par for the course.

I also found an article I can send out to Kenzer and Company so that I might actually might make some money. The last article I sent them got me almost 50 dollars, so another one might be nice to send off. I have heard good things about this money idea. It may actually catch on.

Since I have tinkered with my resume I can also apply for work at Demand Studios, a freelance writing place that mostly does articles. Cindy told me that they take a while to get to you, so here is hoping that it isn't that terribly long. You never know and it would also be income, paid weekly, which would again be lovely.

So there you go, that's what I have going on today, stuff covering most areas of concern, which is good. I might even manage some study and meditation if I can manage it.

Day 4 in review

Okay, So Sunday was a bad health day. I felt terrible, only did a little editing and most of the time was spent at a Whedonites United board meeting. Granted we did a lot of stuff, but it was a very long day. Some fairly decent food choices, but only some. No real exercise.

Day 3 in review

Well, I did a good bit more editing, which was nice and I made some better food choices. It is a start. No exercise and still hurting. Hopefully things start looking up in that department.

Day 2 in review

Well, the day really sucked. Couldn't go apply for a job, couldn't really exercise, slept a lot and ate more than I should. That's what I get for a seriously high pain day. Did get a little walking in, but not enough to really be worth it. Here's hoping that tomorrow is a good deal better.

Stumbling Block 1

So I am planning on going to apply for a job today, the only problem is that my right arm hurts so bad I can barely move. I am sucking down pain killers, have my TENS unit on and turned up, a heated shoulder wrap, pain management meditation, and my Beloved massaged that area with her sore muscle oil and then spooned me. The spooning is a Chinese Medical technique called Gua Sha. Good stuff. Despite all that the pain is still at nausea inducing levels.

Chronic Pain is such a stumbling block in so many things that it is kind of overwhelming. When it hits, your whole life stops and focuses on the pain because you have to. Pushing through high levels of Chronic Pain is not easy and in fact can cause some damage. Lower levels can be endured but high levels laugh at your attempts to thwart them. So all you can do is throw everything at them, and try to build up the area when the pain is gone.

Chronic Pain does burn calories, which is sort of helpful, as your body burns a lot of energy to deal with the pain and it can be exhausting. So you need to eat more to fight against it and your body tends to crave stuff that is bad for you, which is the opposite of help. But I am fricking starving right now.

Thing is, my Beloved, who is the most awesome wife ever, is making me breakfast. That will help. Whee!

Here's hoping that the pain fades enough to get out and apply for the job.

Day 1 in review

Well, not a bad start. I did editing on my novel Soldier Boy, I taught Tai Chi for an hour, I ate pretty well and with decent sized portions, all and all a fairly decent way to start this process.

As for the studying thing, I think I am going to work in 3 areas, Chinese, Environmental Studies and Cultural Anthropology. I have books for that, so Working through a chapter a week sounds possible.

The Beginning or why am I doing this

So here I am, stuck in a rut and I need some sort of way out. What I am stuck in is an internal landscape that basically makes me lazy and I have no real urge to do anything. Therefore, what I am proposing to myself is a Jihad.

Now, thanks to countless hours of CNN and other news sources, people know that a Jihad is a Holy War, where the believers kill the infidels. What they don’t say is that particular type of Jihad is a lesser Jihad and actually something that should only be done as a last resort. So it goes. The Greater Jihad is to submit yourself to the will of Allah, which is not easy as human beings are a bit… well… special in so many wonderful ways.

However, I am not a Muslim, but the idea behind the Greater Jihad, of submitting yourself to the will of something greater than yourself is noble. To that end, since my life is a touch screwed up, I figure I can try to use something along these lines to drive me forward. Therefore, what I need is a framework to keep track of progress.

The thing is, there isn’t a simple framework like a book of recipes or what not to work through step by step. What I could do is to go through some Buddhist texts, pull some stuff out, and see how that works. The problem there is I am not just a regular Buddhist, I am also a Taoist with very Pagan leanings. Therefore, I have a combination of things I hope to do from different areas of practice. I also have a list of 108 things I wanted to do in 1008 days. That list can help, but only so far.

Buddha says, “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.”

That is the core of my Jihad: To change how I think and live so that I can change the world.

So, what is a poor, screwed up, overweight, disabled, transgendered girl supposed to do? Well, I have a few ideas. The Eightfold Path has some good stuff and what I am planning on is to use the Eightfold Path and various Taoist and Pagan ideas to reshape my world into what I want it to be rather than what it is.

Things that have to change:

My weight: I am 260 and have terrible eating habits. My family has a history of Diabetes and Heart Disease, so that is problematic. I want to get to 150.

My health: I have a few issues to work through, such as kidney stones, migraines, a sleep disorder, depression, and most importantly, a messed up shoulder.

My job: I am unemployed and if it weren’t for my VA disability my family and I would really be suffering. I want to be a novelist but I am really afraid of being rejected.

My spiritual life: I wanted to join a PhD program at Vanderbilt University in the hopes of studying my way to a better sense of my faith.

My self-perception: I have trouble dealing with myself sometimes. There are things that go on in my head and desires I have that cause me some grief.

My brain: I am not really doing much in the way of thinking lately and that just has to change. I need to use that lump of grey matter for something.

My environment: I am not saying I live in the Pit of Despair or something, but I can do more to make my home more balanced and to lower our carbon footprint.

So I am going to do things like meditation, Tai Chi, Yoga, other forms of exercise, change my diet, fix several bad habits, work on my sellable stories, get an Agent, etc… . Basically, I’m going to go through various techniques to help me get things straightened out in my life. Once I am done with that then maybe, I can help the world.

Basic first tier goals:

Meditate 45+ minutes a day
Exercise 1 hour a day
Send out Agent letters
Edit Novels/ Write
Get to 234 (down 10%)
Keep house clean
Study
Do something other than read or write
Write Daily over what I have done

So those are the initial goals for this Jihad. The Goals will change as I move closer to the end, as the Greater Jihad is something that takes more than your whole life to complete. But I have things to shoot for and I have things to do and this can be a good start. Writing this might just give me more motivation than I have had before when trying these things.

Well, I guess that’s it. Here we go.