Another Day

Here is yesterday's chart. Today is not starting out well. I got up early to go do something and mad lunch for myself. It was a can of Chef Boyarde Beef Ravioli, 12 points. Since then I have been pretty sick. I am not a fan of that. I am overly cold and my stomach is really jumpy.

Yesterdays house cleaning was good. The living room and our bedroom look pretty good and have plenty of legroom in them, which is nice. Kicking things when walking is not optimal. It is definitely helping with the Feng Shui.

Moon wasn't too bad. Talked about the need to reflect and look forward, both as individuals and the group. I think there needs to be a change but I am not sure what. Too many of our rituals are cookie cutter and thus have less soul. I am not down with that. There is something I need that I am not completely getting and thus things need to change. Part of it, I think, is the fact that I haven't done a blessing way in a while. That might help. I also probably need to do more meditation.

I have some more job leads which I am going to send off. One is with the VA med center here in Murfreesboro and the other is in Nashville with the American Cancer society. Either would be nice, because I totally need a job. The no income thing has gotten old. We are surviving but that isn't the same as living.

I need to get my act together this week and send out to another agent. There are a lot out there and hopefully I will find one. Not having Transitioning Home sold makes me feel like I am in some literary limbo. That is not a good place to be. It is a good story but it needs to see the light of day. I guess persistence pays off as in everything.

Anyway... here is yesterday's chart.

Saturday 22 Jan 2011
Start Weight: 260.8
Weigh in: 256.4 Total Loss: Wk 4.4
Points allowed: 39 Mo 4.4
Extra Points: 37 Overall 4.4
Exercise Points: 11

Measurements:
Bust 55.5 Panties: 9
Waist 49.75 Pants: 26
Hips 53 Top: 20
Arms 14.5 Bra 46 D
Thigh 27.5

Breakfast: Chocolate Milk 4 points

Total 4 points
Points Left: 35

Lunch: Chicken 3 points
½ cup mashed potatoes 3 points

Total 6 points
Points Left: 29

Dinner: Cheeseburger 9 points
Fries 6 points

Total 15 points
Points Left: 14

Snack: PB&J 8 points
Milk 3 points

Total 11 points
Points Left: 3


Exercise: House Cleaning 1 points

Total + 1 points

Daily Total: 3
Extra Points Carry over: 39
Exercise Points Carry over: 1

Holiday Updates

I am really excited about the fact that my weigh in this morning was 259.4. I am stoked that I am no longer in the 260s. That sucked and now I am no longer there. In between working on my diet and stuff it seems to be working. That is pretty nice.

Job wise, I am still in Limbo with the IRS but I have heard that they just started talking to people, which is fucked up. I mean I applied in September. So I am still applying for things and I hope that I hear back from something.

Still no word from the person I sent the query letter to. I guess I should move on to someone else. Maybe I should just send stuff to publishers first? I am not sure. Since I don't know the business I figured that an Agent would be a first good step. Perhaps I should just go right to the publishers and see what happens from there? Who knows.

I realized the other day that I need to work more on my faith as I feel a bit cut adrift in things and that isn't a good thing. That might help with the sense of disquiet I feel.

So there you go, a quick update to see how I am and what is going on.

Wow... over a month with nothing... sorry all five of my diligent readers. ;)

Anyway, news. Have started swimming again, which is a great goodness. Life has been on the crazy side so getting back to something I do honestly love is a good thing.

The House is being dealt with and no more trips up and back necessary for quite a while, which is good. We have to sell the place, but that can be dealt with fairly easily and with little stress. So, go us. That is a lot less stress than before and it has been a godsend.

I am on a new VA program called Telehealth. I have a little box hooked up to a scale and my computer. I basically weigh in a lot and do stuff daily on it. I think the idea is to keep it focused in your mind that you want to lose weight. Not a bad plan and it is worth a shot. I have lost some, as I was up to 267-268 and now am back to 261. That is a lot better for my mental health to see I am losing.

No news on the job front, which is depressing. I need to expand my search for work and then hopefully get a job that I can do and that I can get benefits from, so my family has coverage. That will be very nice.

On the writing front I have a new story that I think is very marketable. There is a lot of energy to it and the weird energy feelings I have had seem to be connected to it. The idea is pretty cool and seems to have loads of potential. I am looking forward to getting it done. Right now I am trying to finish 300 Rains.

I have not heard back from that one agent I sent something to nor have I heard back from Hillary's agent. So it goes.

That's it basically, my life in a nutshell.

Glad to be back.

Playing catch up

Yeah... things have been busy as of late.

We got the estate sale done, which is nice. That reduces a major source of stress and we don't have to log long days running back and forth from Gallatin going through crap. It's done and I am okay with that.

In terms of Jobs, I have heard back from an agent who wanted to read the sample chapters. I guess next will be the whole manuscript. That will be cool.

I also have an application in at MedSolutions which might turn into a job, as well as several other government jobs I can apply for. So more possibility for work there.

I have lost weight and am back in the 250's which is nice. A lot of that is the not eating out thing, which has been nice as out food is rarely as great as Cindy makes, so that is something. I have gone from around 265 to 256 in about a week, which is impressive. I mean... wow. So that is moving in a direction.

We are back at the Y, so more swimming for Heather. Yay! I also have aquatic therapy and will be getting PT for my ankle. All in all not a bad catch up. Life is pretty good all things considered.

Life is continuing on it's crazy way. So nothing new there.

I had the most useless KT appointment ever where the woman simply told me things I already knew and didn't give me any advice on how to modify exercises to compensate for my bad shoulder. Cindy and I are heading off to the Y to get back into the place and work on going there everyday for a workout. That will doubtless help and I am looking forward to swimming and the hot tub. Like for real.

My ankle still hurts but now we know that it has some sort of soft tissue damage to it. Apparently the fact that I have rested it, iced it, etc... does not matter, as that was the advice given to me by the nurse. I need an actual solution to this problem and not just telling me things I already know.

In terms of work, I sent in a query letter to a literary agency. Here's hoping that they are interested in Transitioning Home and decide that they can sell it. I would appreciate that a good deal, as income is sexy. Besides, I want to start on the whole making money from my writing thing and have that as my primary form of employment. So I at least took a first step.

Spiritually I am in a kind of ambivalent place. I am feeling a really interesting tug of war internally between utterly embracing what my spirit is doing on one hand and sort of remaining in this world on the other. I am wanting a place of balance between them but that is getting harder to find. Maslow's Hierarchy of needs is pretty accurate since I am so worried about mundane stuff that my faith is in fifth place or further back. So that is definitely going to take some work as situations permit.

So, there you go.

Update

So it's been a while, but that's because life got crazy with working on the house and getting Katie to college. I did find out that I didn't get that job, the one with the DoJ. Le sigh... so it goes. I will write more later.

Job news

Well, the Job guy for the Voc Rehab people is going to help me with Resumes and stuff, but does not think I need to be doing any retraining, at all, as I am 'better trained than 90% of people out there' and that I need job experience and not school. Whatever... if it means income to feed myself and my family I can live with it.

So I have to completely retool my resume and stuff, and be willing to do a crap job to get into something and move from there. again, I am pragmatic enough to know that is how the word works often enough but I don't have to like it. Hopefully this guy can actually be helpful and give me the information and help I need in order to find a decent job until novel writing starts making money.

Update and musing on Portion Porblems

Well, Whedonfest is over and now time to get back into the serious work of trying to fix issues in my life.

Lets see... the Job fair gave me some interesting options as well as show me a MA program that sounds interesting and a good use of my skills. So there is some hope on the job front.

Ankle still hurts, so a lot of good exercise options are out. I need to get that looked at but the MRI isn't until 21 Aug and that means it isn't until probably September that something will be done about that. Totally fucking sucks. Maybe I just need to ignore the VA and treat this myself? It is worth considering.

My faith is going well, but I really should meditate more. I feel better after doing it so there really isn't a reason that I am not meditating except for the fact that my depression is making me want to hide from the world rather than deal with it. Gotta get over that crap.

House is semi trashed, but duh... Whedonfest. It did really well this year, but we do need to catch up on making the home environment serene...

So there you have that update. Now onto the other stuff.

Okay, so I am at 261 right now and that is disturbing. I hate this craziness that’s going on with my weight. It is really bothering me, especially because it isn’t like I eat badly. I like vegetables and salads, and all sorts of good for you food. Hell eating just chicken or fish would not be a huge hardship. The problem for me seems to be portion control. I don’t eat a lot of deserts or empty calories but I eat a lot of normal food.

I like food and truly enjoy eating excellent food. I am not sure as to why I seem to be more focused on eating larger amounts of food than I should but I need it to stop. I suppose I should get to weighing and measuring all of my food, so I only eat single portions and the like, but I am worried that I will fail. I guess that is a common worry for most anyone doing any weight loss plan. I just don’t seem to have a good idea in my head as to what exactly good portion sizes are. I know the pack of cards and those other measures but in a lot of ways that doesn’t really seem to help me. I guess I need to hunt that all down again and start seriously following it.

The other issue tied into this is that I seem to be the one in my family that ‘finishes’ food, thus getting extra. I have a difficult time turning down food or not completing my meals. Part of it has to do with the fact that my mother constantly talked about eating her monies worth. Paying for food and then not eating ALL of it really bugged her. She talked about that wasting money, which it is, but the message I took was not avoid over ordering but rather eat everything and then some, so there is a good value for your money spent.

Growing up, my mom loved taking my brother Brian and my best friend Tony out to all you could eat places. The joke about ‘You here four hour. You scare my wife.’ seemed to be very true in relation to our meals. Granted teenaged boys really burn calories but my mom did get a smug satisfaction when we would go someplace like Chesapeake Seafood House and eat all their food. The place stopped having an all you can eat night after we went there for the third time and ate for something like two + hours. It was obscene. But my mom considered it a great value.

I love getting the all you can eat sushi at Cathay and Cindy and I actually sit back and calculate the value of what I have eaten versus the value of what we paid. My personal best was a little over 60 dollars of sushi for 14 dollars. That is a lot of sushi. Now I don’t feel so bad about that, as sushi is not really that bad for you and that much sushi didn’t blow my weight watchers points for the day. But it does let me know that I have developed a similar mindset.

I have been proud lately of actually eating my meal and leaving food, especially eating out. Part of that is the ever increasing size of portions and the other bit is that I recognize that I DO NOT need to eat everything on my plate, that getting full is a great stopping point. I don’t like feeling bloated and way over fed. I get really food coma-ish and that is not comfortable.

Places I really enjoy the all you can eat thing and it not be a problem is at Ruby Tuesday. I can eat huge amounts of salad and be fine. The only bad things I eat there are the cottage cheese and maybe pickled beets. I really don’t put too much extra cheese on the salads as well. So that is not too bad, but otherwise, I really do eat a hell of a lot, volume wise. I need to eat less volume and I am sure that alone will have a major impact on my weight. Maybe even reducing the bad cards and sticking with the complex carbs the body needs. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like nothing but a hog, stuffing itself for market and that isn’t good for anyone.

I hate this shit.

So I am going to try and reduce my portion sizes. That will hopefully help. Add in eating better and that can hopefully really help my weight. I have a lot of hopefuls here and those are never guarantees, but you gotta try. I don’t want gastric bypass, but if I can’t do this and I keep gaining then it might be the only decent option I have available. Man that sucks. Effort first then surgery… The fact that I am even considering it distresses me but I am aware that I don’t want to heat into the upper twos or the threes and low fours that Brian got to. What a crap time to realize that HRT probably shifted my metabolism closer to my mom, sisters and brothers. So it goes.

Any way, here’s hoping that I can make this work.

Recent Developments

Well, Whedonfest is almost here. That is basically the all consuming thing for this next week. I am already tired and we haven't actually got started. Not an overly good sign.

In addition to Dealing with our house, dealing with Cindy's Mom's House, and dealing with getting things ready for Whedonfest I also have the Thursday from hell. Thursday I am going to a job fair that is just for vets. So I have to print out resumes and trek around the place, dropping them off and making an impression while I do so. That can't hurt in the job scene as I have heard tell that income is sexy. So, that should be fun. Also that day I have a follow up interview with the Voc Rehab people where I may officially hear back from them on the whole school thing. I have no idea what is going to come out of that, but either work or school will be helpful, since they would pay me a stipend. Thing is, as far as I can tell, the soonest I can start school is in January, which doesn't help much.

As for the DoJ job I am hoping for. I am going to email Magda's friend, as she offered to look into the job thing for me. I am not going to turn that down, that's for sure. I think it might be a helpful thing, but again I don't know. Man I want that job.

Diet is fuxored, as we are living the transient life, going back and forth between Gallatin and here. And the ankle is still problematic. I still have 20 days until the MRI is done and so I am looking at at least another month without my ankle getting much in the way of better, or at least knowing what is going on with it. Part of me wants to say fuck it and drive on, but the fact that yesterday both of my ankles hurt so bad I couldn't really stand without being in great pain. That massively sucked and I want this crap to stop. I want to be able to exercise, so I can loose this damnable weight. I am trying to adjust my eating habits but that is not terribly easy. There is so much unconscious thought going into food choices that it is a bit scary.

So there you have it, what has been going on recently.

Yet again

Well, I am going to start trying the weight watcher thing again today. It did work, up until about 2.5 months so I'm not sure what that is all about, but I am trying to figure that out. I plan on doing some stretches and crunches later, but that covers it. I am waiting to see what happens, job search wise, as I have heard nothing back. I keep telling myself that it has only been a week since things were finalized. 11 days, mind you, but only one business week. Maybe I should refocus and look at Agents.

So anyway, here we go again.

Sometimes it hurts to move, and I am not sure if that is good or bad

Life has become all about moving around and getting things done. Too busy to be sedentary at the moment with keeping our house clean while processing Cindy's Mother's house. I ache everywhere from yesterday and I am sure I will ache tonight. This whole situation sucks with great suckatude. But it is a form of exercise.

Interestingly, I have been craving food that is at least moderately good for me. More salads and small portions. I am famblished all the time but nothing sounds good. Maybe Katie's pickiness is contagious. GAH! Anywho... I have actually lost a little since this whole mess has started, like 2 pounds or so. It's a something. If this whole situation weren't so screwed up I am sure we could cook, but we don't have the spoons for that, either of us but my Beloved has all but had her silverware tray stolen.

Well, back up today, then taking Sunday off and then back up Monday. Bleagh... the world of suck is everywhere. But at least I am still moving, and that might mean weight loss and better health at the end of this nonsense.

Job 2

Well, the application is in and now the wait begins. This is probably going to make me crazy. I want this job but I am not sure I will get the job. Hell, at least I applied and got everything done. That in and of itself is impressive for me. It's a start at any rate.

Job?

Well, I am waiting to complete my application for the Job I want with the DoJ. Once the documents have uploaded then I can finish this sucker, 2 days before the deadline. I can totally do this job and I have the skills and training necessary to succeed, if only I actually get hired. So now comes the nerve wracking part where I wait for a response. Can you tell that I am nervous?

Just how often do I need to hit restart?

Am I a terrible blogger or what?

Any way...

I am going to start this again. I think my Beloved is right in the recovery track. That might be the best way to face this and indeed the term Jihad does have its roots in fighting against ourselves to better connect to God/ Allah/ FSM/ whoever... The Greater Jihad is all about fighting against your urge to do the easy path, to not put in the work for something. And recovery is all about fighting inertia and doing the work. This isn't going to be easy but it will be worth it, if I can get off my fat ass and do it.

Biggest problem right now is that my ankle is screwed up to the point where walking is less than enjoyable, and that is for short trips like the bathroom. But there are things I can do, like crunches, stretches, working with weights and the like. It is at least a start on that front. Also diet is also something that can be addressed more and there I feel hampered by Katie and her extreme pickiness. We really need to get past her issues and cook for ourselves. When we have done that Katie has been fed as well, but we eat decent.

Weight Watchers was working, ish, but not well enough, as it was easy to skip things or loose track. I think it might be worth following up on but I don't know. I do know that we have to fairly radically change things if we want this to work.

Still no joy on the job front. I am finishing up my application for a job and if I got it, it would be great, but I am unsure as to what my options are. I need to actually get going on the publishing front, to try and sell my novel, because that would be good. I feel conflicted. The VA might be sending me back to school, which would be lovely, as that would mean money, but again, going back to school would be both fun and stressful.

Life is kind of like that... you know...

Irritation

Okay, for the last several weeks I have been not doing the program correctly, like I had lost interest in the Weight Watchers thing. I am aware that contrary to the way the program works, one meal can be 'free' within the first two days and then you work from there. Problem is that I have basically been taking the weekends off from the diet. Not a very helpful process when attempting something along these lines.

The other issue along these lines is that I have not been writing my food down or tracking my points. And lo and behold... I am gaining weight. So I am going to try to get back on to that as it kept me mindful of what I was eating and so I didn't eat too much. This whole thing really irritates me.

Granted I am aware that sacrifices need to be made in order to loose weight, but there are days I want to eat everything. I mean Friday I ate 3.5 grilled cheese sandwiches. That is a bit on the overkill side. Tasty, but overkill. And with things like that I am a mite surprised that I am gaining currently. Bah!

In terms of work... well, that has not been going well. I do have a possibility. A friend of mine in the Pants gave me the name of her company. They like to hire ex-Intel folk, like myself to work on various projects for the Military. That sounds tempting, especially as income is sexy. I will look things over, put together a resume and see what happens. It's just that resumes never really cover all of my skills nor how they interrelate. Makes me crazy.

Need to tinker with a few combat scenes to make sure they feel right and then I need to send off a letter to an agent. Scares me silly, but if I want to get paid I gotta play the game.

That's it for now as I got other things churning in me head...

Teh Suckage

So yesterday was a bad food day as I ate fast food and table of fire. I am certain I completely screwed up my points for the week but I couldn't care. There were other things going on.

I got my CPAP machine and that tried to kill me. Last night as was able to sleep with it on for a little bit and that was good. Maybe tonight I will be able to wear it longer still. If it fixes the whole sleeping issue then it will be utterly worth it. I just get Army flashbacks when I put it on, since the easiest way to do that is like putting on a gasmask. So that is a bit odd.

The other big change is on the job front. The VA basically reoppened my file and now I am completely eligible for Voc Rehab benefits again. The problem is that I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Even though I keep telling myself I really am not all that skilled, I am aware that I have a huge range of skills, talents and interests. This is not an easy choice.

I might... might... be able to get them to pay for an MFA. There are loads of other bits of training I can do as well. I am in freefall and unsure which chute I want to put on. Kind of dorky like that. Now if only I could come up with a decent plan for the work. It would be nice.

So I am wandering around in a daze from them allowing this as well as trying to figure out what to do. It is making me a bit crazy all things considered. Hell, the VA is even helping me get a job, at a new VA call center. It will be a GS job which means awesome benefits, decent pay and if I stay in the government I can retire with a good retirement package in something on the order of 14y 9m since my military time counts for that purpose. Weird hunh?

Well, things are still going on the diet part but pretty lousy in the job part or the exercise part. I am not sure why that is but I am hoping to fight against that. I want a job, but if I can finish the edits soon I can send off my novel to an Agent and see where that gets me.

As for exercise... well, tossing Jess has got a good deal of exercise value. Maybe I can start doing some walking. I really need to do something to help myself feel better, but I just don't seem to have much in the way of motivation. So it goes.

I need to get that going.

Week in Review

Not a bad week for Weight Watchers. I pretty much stayed in points and this was the week of Hobbitpalooza, where I ate all day, but all told I did lose 2 pounds. That takes my weight down 16 from where I was when I completely lost it. I made it back under 250, finally, and am at 249, which is pretty cool. So the Weight Watchers is working. It feels slow, but it is moving.

I need to exercise more, which will have an effect on my eating and on my weight loss, though its biggest effect will be to my health. Getting out of breath doing a lot of nothing is very frustrating, but then again after I left the Military I let myself collapse. Add to that the HRT and there you go. It is weird though that when I do Tai Chi, I have a lot of issues with the exercise portion of things but once I get into the teaching or the sparring I am fine and can do a hell of a lot more than I can otherwise. Odd and probably related to the Martial Arts mindset. I really need to get off my fat but shrinking ass as do something. Well, the VA has me slated to see KT, so that might help.

One thing I have noticed is that I have been feeling a bit discontent and I'm not sure why. It is probably related to feeling like I haven't done anything with my life as of late. I have done a lot and have written a huge amount which is only making my style better, which can get me to be able to crank out good work. We'll see how that goes. I guess I am mainly restless and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme nor reason why I feel that way. Hopefully I'll figure it out at some point.

Still no work, which sucks. I want a job that is decent and pays me well and can allow me to keep writing. Is that too much to ask? Honestly...

Catchup

Life has been crazy and I have been doing a lot of writing, sorry.

Lets see, I am managing to do more exercising off and on, which is a good thing. Weight Watchers is going well. the house is clean more often than not and things are going well. So not much there.

My current weight is 252, so that is a 13 pound drop from my recent high of 265. I am just looking forward to being under 250 again. Granted the weight loss is not going very quick at the moment, but I figure that has more to do with lack of exercise kicking my metabolism up than anything else. If I can up that, by exercising everyday at least a little, than I think my metabolism will do more and have a bigger impact on my health. It can't hurt... right?

As for work... I had my phone interview for Verizon and I have no idea yet where I stand. I thought I gave a good interview, but I am not sure. If I passed this I apparently have an in person interview. I would really like the job as it has awesome benefits and the pay is great. However, I am basically at the point where income is good and that's it.

So there you have it... what I have been up to.

Well, I have been doing more exercise, but that is mostly due to cleaning the house. It works but not by much.

Weight Watchers wise things have been going well. Doing good this week and this will hopefully show up as some decent progress in the weight loss category, or at least I hope that.

I have a line on a job with Verizon and that would be nice if it happened. Here's hoping, so basically things are going well.