I feel like a failure

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dropped the ball somewhere an what the result is is this bleak place where I sit here and feel like my life is false and broken. It is mostly the little things that have driven this home, like the fact that I am getting sir'd more. Or the fact that my voice is deeper and it doesn't sit right. Or the fact that I can't recognize myself when I look in a mirror. Or the fact that my clothes feel more like a costume than anything else. I feel fake, like the depressed, spiritually bereft boy that had started the journey to who I am today. I feel like all this is for naught.

I have not seen my family in years. The last time I saw my family I had been on hormones for maybe 6 months. I wore a tight sports bra to flatten my breasts just so I wouldn't cause an issue. That was 7 years ago. I have seen my mother a few more times. She is trying but I am totally cut off from the rest of my family and some sort of dark secret that they wish would go away.

I feel alone, which is ironic because I have a loving wife and daughter and some of the best friends in the world. When I am around them I often feel detached from everything, like I am slightly off time or out of focus with everything else. I don't like feeling this way and I hate that this feeling is consuming me. I feel like a failure, like I have not lived up to my own expectations. I feel like my life has been lived but not by me, specially as of late.

My wife thinks part of this is the normal body issues all women seem to have compounded by the trans issue. I have no idea if it is true or not but it certainly sounds plausible. Maybe I'm just having the bit of depression I seem to have every 28 days or so. That is probably helping make it worse the last day or so but this has been building for a while. I feel lost with no idea what to do.

I am getting frustrated with the search for an Agent and I am having the urge to scream. I love writing and I am clearly the Muse's Bitch but I can't eat those words, I can't pay the rent with the stories I post here. And even with that I feel like I have not done enough of something because I don't seem to get the kudos or comments that I sort of expect. But I have ranted about that before so let's drop it.

It is difficult to want to go on with this feeling crushing me down. I lose myself in the routine of the net and chores and watching seasons at a time of TV shows from Netflixs. I so totally want to give up and go comatose or something, just to get away from it all. I feel terrible and totally want to call the game. The thing that is keeping me going is a story, which is a great joke to me. This story that I am getting bits and glimpses of that wants me to bring it forth. So yeah, I'm a failure who is living for this pic story bursting through my brain. That is funny, at least to me.

I wonder if J.K. Rowling felt like this...

Wow... over a month with nothing... sorry all five of my diligent readers. ;)

Anyway, news. Have started swimming again, which is a great goodness. Life has been on the crazy side so getting back to something I do honestly love is a good thing.

The House is being dealt with and no more trips up and back necessary for quite a while, which is good. We have to sell the place, but that can be dealt with fairly easily and with little stress. So, go us. That is a lot less stress than before and it has been a godsend.

I am on a new VA program called Telehealth. I have a little box hooked up to a scale and my computer. I basically weigh in a lot and do stuff daily on it. I think the idea is to keep it focused in your mind that you want to lose weight. Not a bad plan and it is worth a shot. I have lost some, as I was up to 267-268 and now am back to 261. That is a lot better for my mental health to see I am losing.

No news on the job front, which is depressing. I need to expand my search for work and then hopefully get a job that I can do and that I can get benefits from, so my family has coverage. That will be very nice.

On the writing front I have a new story that I think is very marketable. There is a lot of energy to it and the weird energy feelings I have had seem to be connected to it. The idea is pretty cool and seems to have loads of potential. I am looking forward to getting it done. Right now I am trying to finish 300 Rains.

I have not heard back from that one agent I sent something to nor have I heard back from Hillary's agent. So it goes.

That's it basically, my life in a nutshell.

Glad to be back.

Playing catch up

Yeah... things have been busy as of late.

We got the estate sale done, which is nice. That reduces a major source of stress and we don't have to log long days running back and forth from Gallatin going through crap. It's done and I am okay with that.

In terms of Jobs, I have heard back from an agent who wanted to read the sample chapters. I guess next will be the whole manuscript. That will be cool.

I also have an application in at MedSolutions which might turn into a job, as well as several other government jobs I can apply for. So more possibility for work there.

I have lost weight and am back in the 250's which is nice. A lot of that is the not eating out thing, which has been nice as out food is rarely as great as Cindy makes, so that is something. I have gone from around 265 to 256 in about a week, which is impressive. I mean... wow. So that is moving in a direction.

We are back at the Y, so more swimming for Heather. Yay! I also have aquatic therapy and will be getting PT for my ankle. All in all not a bad catch up. Life is pretty good all things considered.

Update

So it's been a while, but that's because life got crazy with working on the house and getting Katie to college. I did find out that I didn't get that job, the one with the DoJ. Le sigh... so it goes. I will write more later.

Sometimes it hurts to move, and I am not sure if that is good or bad

Life has become all about moving around and getting things done. Too busy to be sedentary at the moment with keeping our house clean while processing Cindy's Mother's house. I ache everywhere from yesterday and I am sure I will ache tonight. This whole situation sucks with great suckatude. But it is a form of exercise.

Interestingly, I have been craving food that is at least moderately good for me. More salads and small portions. I am famblished all the time but nothing sounds good. Maybe Katie's pickiness is contagious. GAH! Anywho... I have actually lost a little since this whole mess has started, like 2 pounds or so. It's a something. If this whole situation weren't so screwed up I am sure we could cook, but we don't have the spoons for that, either of us but my Beloved has all but had her silverware tray stolen.

Well, back up today, then taking Sunday off and then back up Monday. Bleagh... the world of suck is everywhere. But at least I am still moving, and that might mean weight loss and better health at the end of this nonsense.