I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dropped the ball somewhere an what the result is is this bleak place where I sit here and feel like my life is false and broken. It is mostly the little things that have driven this home, like the fact that I am getting sir'd more. Or the fact that my voice is deeper and it doesn't sit right. Or the fact that I can't recognize myself when I look in a mirror. Or the fact that my clothes feel more like a costume than anything else. I feel fake, like the depressed, spiritually bereft boy that had started the journey to who I am today. I feel like all this is for naught.
I have not seen my family in years. The last time I saw my family I had been on hormones for maybe 6 months. I wore a tight sports bra to flatten my breasts just so I wouldn't cause an issue. That was 7 years ago. I have seen my mother a few more times. She is trying but I am totally cut off from the rest of my family and some sort of dark secret that they wish would go away.
I feel alone, which is ironic because I have a loving wife and daughter and some of the best friends in the world. When I am around them I often feel detached from everything, like I am slightly off time or out of focus with everything else. I don't like feeling this way and I hate that this feeling is consuming me. I feel like a failure, like I have not lived up to my own expectations. I feel like my life has been lived but not by me, specially as of late.
My wife thinks part of this is the normal body issues all women seem to have compounded by the trans issue. I have no idea if it is true or not but it certainly sounds plausible. Maybe I'm just having the bit of depression I seem to have every 28 days or so. That is probably helping make it worse the last day or so but this has been building for a while. I feel lost with no idea what to do.
I am getting frustrated with the search for an Agent and I am having the urge to scream. I love writing and I am clearly the Muse's Bitch but I can't eat those words, I can't pay the rent with the stories I post here. And even with that I feel like I have not done enough of something because I don't seem to get the kudos or comments that I sort of expect. But I have ranted about that before so let's drop it.
It is difficult to want to go on with this feeling crushing me down. I lose myself in the routine of the net and chores and watching seasons at a time of TV shows from Netflixs. I so totally want to give up and go comatose or something, just to get away from it all. I feel terrible and totally want to call the game. The thing that is keeping me going is a story, which is a great joke to me. This story that I am getting bits and glimpses of that wants me to bring it forth. So yeah, I'm a failure who is living for this pic story bursting through my brain. That is funny, at least to me.
I wonder if J.K. Rowling felt like this...
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It sounds like you, my friend, are depressed. You guys have had so much crazy stuff going on. Add in the difficulties of being any kind of different, money trouble, and trying to get published and you have a Depression Recipe.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!! Don't judge yourself by the standards of others. It isn't money, possessions, or acclaim that equal success. It is love shared and knowledge gained. It is getting up every morning even when you don't want to. If your family doesn't accept you, it is their fault. They are missing out on a relationship with a wonderful person! I know it doesn't lessen the pain, but it is still true.
As for the writing, remember that many people start books. Few actually finish them and then actually send them out to the world. I'm taking this writing workshop, and one of the links I learned about is http://www.writeattitude.net/. It has a list of some really awesome inspirational quotes. Like:
"I've got a folder full of rejection slips that I keep. Know why? Because those same editors are now calling my agent hoping I'll write a book or novella for them. Things change. A rejection slip today might mean a frantic call to your agent in six months."
- MaryJanice Davidson
And I totally know what you mean about putting your work on your blog. You were the only one who responded to the one I posted--that really meant a lot. I haven't been blogging long enough to see your stuff yet, but I'll keep an eye out.
I hope you get to feeling better soon, Heather. You are a great person! I declare you simply too cool to be a failure. So there. :-)
Heather, love, Beth is right. You are too cool to be a failure; your family doesn't know what they're missing; this is pretty standard depression stuff happening. I recognize it. I live it, too.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that if this is a cyclical feeling, that means it will go away, and really, all things are cyclical, aren't they? You taught me that; "This too shall pass" right?
I love you, and I believe that we can make things better if we strive toward the changes we want to see in our lives. It's that whole "be the change you wish to see" thing. Yes, being kind, loving peaceful people is being the change we want to see in the world, but on a smaller scale, if we get up and go to the Y and declutter the house and work actively on our spiritual lives and consciously reach for our dreams, then we are being the changes we want to see in our own lives. And remember, no matter what, "you and me together, we can do anything, baby."