The Problem with Weight Loss

Okay, so what is going on with me and weight loss? I can’t seem to get motivated to begin and keep going. It isn’t like weight loss is all that mysterious or strange, eating better, healthier and exercising. This isn’t rocket science but I really don’t seem to driven to change. Why?

I figure part of the problem is my self-perception. For the longest time I hated myself and hated my body, thanks to the trans thing. I still have issues with my body, at least one part and that does keep some of those feelings lingering, like my body isn’t worth the effort to keep healthy and to lose weight. This is of course amazingly stupid but who ever said the psyche ever made any sense. It isn’t my body’s fault that I was born male nor is it my body’s fault that I am mentally female. Things just sort of worked out that way.

Honestly, I should take care of my body now that I am a good way down the path of transition. My body is starting to match myself finally and I shouldn’t let one small body part derail all the other good things have happened. Hopefully I can get past that as being healthy can make surgery easier on my body and will make healing from that easier.

As for exercise… well, I know lots of exercise knowledge. I have done lots of martial arts, PT in the Army and having been on a crosscountry team and a swim team. I know what to do and my body remembers doing those exercises, I just have to do them. Doing stretching, a little Yoga, basic calisthenics, and Tai Chi would be a good start along with walking. I want to get back to swimming as I enjoy it a great deal and it is a great full body exercise. As I lose weight, I can move into more vigorous exercise and martial arts. That will be nice as I really do miss doing more of that.

As for food… well, I like to eat. Food is a great goodness and my wife is a hell of a cook. I think my biggest issue there is the amount I eat. I do eat several portions at the same time, especially in things I like, which is honestly most things. Portion control is more of my issue than what I eat. I am not really a big dessert eater so that isn’t where I am getting the influx of calories. But eating a bit smarter might help with the weight loss thing as well, especially if I can actually eat more vegetables and fruits. Actually, I am certain I don’t eat enough fruit so that should probably change.

I am rather partial to the meditrasian diet, as a lot of my favorite foods come from those regions. Sticking with whole grain pasta and maybe more brown rice would help a bit more and I actually like both. Maybe trying some of the Asian noodle variations like buckwheat pasta and the like would be good as well. I don’t know. The wife and I need to talk about that. Eating more fish would be good as well and less red meat. I mean, sure, steak every once in a while, but I do like chicken and fish a lot, with some meals being basically vegetarian. Gotta try something at this point.

I am just hoping that I can actually keep focus in this. I know that most any food is okay in the right portions and such, but I am worried about sticking to that. I am hoping that this works out for a change and that I can actually get past this. I hate being this weight, but I guess it does serve me right. I was pretty smug about being thin when my mother and brother and sister were all obese. Now, both my brother and sister are lighter than me, which is freaky. I have no idea if my mother has lost any weight, but I kind of doubt it. So, if that is a part of this, guys I am sorry for feeling that way about you. It was unkind and uncalled for.

Well, I hope that things can start to change starting Wednesday. If we can get the damn shopping list together and such, maybe. I just am tired of being fat. Ever since I started HRT I have swelled nearly non-stop. This is just sad.

Any way… you have to start somewhere… right?

Stumbling Block 1

So I am planning on going to apply for a job today, the only problem is that my right arm hurts so bad I can barely move. I am sucking down pain killers, have my TENS unit on and turned up, a heated shoulder wrap, pain management meditation, and my Beloved massaged that area with her sore muscle oil and then spooned me. The spooning is a Chinese Medical technique called Gua Sha. Good stuff. Despite all that the pain is still at nausea inducing levels.

Chronic Pain is such a stumbling block in so many things that it is kind of overwhelming. When it hits, your whole life stops and focuses on the pain because you have to. Pushing through high levels of Chronic Pain is not easy and in fact can cause some damage. Lower levels can be endured but high levels laugh at your attempts to thwart them. So all you can do is throw everything at them, and try to build up the area when the pain is gone.

Chronic Pain does burn calories, which is sort of helpful, as your body burns a lot of energy to deal with the pain and it can be exhausting. So you need to eat more to fight against it and your body tends to crave stuff that is bad for you, which is the opposite of help. But I am fricking starving right now.

Thing is, my Beloved, who is the most awesome wife ever, is making me breakfast. That will help. Whee!

Here's hoping that the pain fades enough to get out and apply for the job.